I found myself down next to the
river at Jefferson Hall, my buddy, his uncle, his uncle's friend, and myself
are standing outside the small Hindu ran liquor store. We we're going to
purchase some street booze until my buddy figured out that his wallet had fallen
out of his jacket pocket and was most likely laying somewhere down a dark alley
where we knew it was being fondled, fingered and downright molested by hood
rats... I take to one side of the street and my buddy takes to the other side
and we're doing the best we can retracing ourselves in a stumbling stupor, as I
hear him cussing as he's just lost his entire New Year’s paycheck. Next thing I
know I'm looking down this alley and there are twenty dollar bills scattered
everywhere, and a brown leather wallet laying in a pothole... Our recovery
mission just turned into an Easter egg hunt, I'm snatching up twenties, he's
snatching up twenties, when it's said and done we've got a whole stack of
twenties, some 260 dollars’ worth to be exact. Not a single one went missing
that night and his wallet didn't end up having aids...
We work our way back to the
Calcutta booze, tobacco, beef jerky temple (why would a Hindu place sell beef
jerky???), where the other two guys stayed. We go back in the store and pick
out their finest pint of Jack Daniels. We've all gotten into this square circle
and the bottle is making its rounds until there's nothing left. I can't speak
for anyone else but I'm personally getting the whiskey spits by this point. We
all stumble across the street and I'm eye balling this cop that's helping with
traffic, I tend to get all paranoid when I'm drinking booze strait out of the
bottle in public view...
So we make it PI free to
Jefferson Hall and I'm rolling past the bouncer just kind of looking around
since it's my first trip there. I'm here for two things, one to get boozed up,
two to find myself some ladies, and boozed up is already taken care of. I do
the ol "I'm gonna walk around the bar all nonchalant until I see something
I like, then I'm going to creep her out" routine. I didn't notice anyone
on the first round... But I know what I did see, the uncle's little friend was
all over some Asian tranny, you know the kind that still had five o' clock
shadow. I'm looking at my buddy saying "what the fuck is happening
dude???" and he responds with "well, that "dude" looks
better than his ol lady..." so now I'm just thinking "what the
fuck..." By this time it's almost midnight and there are some pretty
waitresses bringing around bottles of bubbly and solo cups (I was thinking it
was awful damn nice of the bar to give us free bubbly). Then I turn my
attention to Dick Clark and the ball drop, yell "HAPPY NEW YEARS",
and make my rounds again.
So I'm stumbling around yelling
every three to five seconds "HAPPY NEW YEARS" and these frat boys
come up to me and start yelling "Zach Galifianakis!!!" and they ask
me if they can have a picture with them. Well I end up doing a whole photo
shoot parting ways soon. I do a whole revolution of the bar and end up out on the
back patio where there is this woman who is asking me if I've ever felt a fake
tit. I haven't, or at least didn't know it if I did. She looks at me and says
"go ahead... feel it... give it a nice squeeze" so I give it a nice
long feel and looking into her cocaine glazed eyes say "Well... I can't
really appreciate them feeling them though a shirt..." so she tells me to
put my hands under her shirt, no bra of course since she had fake perky tits, I
stand there for a good few minutes anyway just kind of checking them out, like
nipple location and, firmness. (*There will be a footnote about my thoughts on
fake tits at the end of this story). Then the lady with the fake tits asks me
if I had gotten my New Year’s kiss, and I told her no. She ends up calling four
of her friends over and tells them that I didn't get my New Year’s kiss and
they line up, and all four girls gives me one starting with ol fake tits
herself. so I'm liking where this is going. I get this idea, why not single one
out from the herd and see where it goes, no need to be a hero, I pick one of
the girls more my speed. So I'm making out, and rubbing up on her, and all a
sudden this Goldberg looking mother fucker throws her down into a bunch of bar
stools and she's laying there bloody and broken, and he screams at me "GET
THE FUCK OFF MY WOMEN!!!" I'm evaluating the situation, this guy has just
broken his ol lady, he's a lot bigger than me, none of my buddies are anywhere
to be found, and I'm pretty intoxicated. I better take my chances and just say
a sorry, so I do and Goldberg is like "FUCK YOUR SORRY!!!!" So... New
plan... I just turn around an order myself a drink, then it hits me, give this
big son of a bitch time to cool off and I'll make a peace offering, I don't
want this dude seeing me in a dark alley later that night. Five minutes or so
goes by and I order a drink, the bartender hands it too me and I walk up to the
dude doubling down drinks. I look at the guy motion him in to come closer to
hear what I was going to say and I tell him "Hey dude, not gonna lie I'd
be pretty pissed to if some hairy bastard was filling up my ol lady in front of
me... so I'd like to tell you and her that I'm sorry and here's a drink for the
trouble..." It worked... So rather than having a big angry fuck running into
me after the bar closes I have a big intoxicated buddy to say hey too...
I'm walking around the bar
searching for my buddies semi shaken up from my experience from that big angry
fuck on the patio and I can't seem to find anyone. I go outside the bar and get
a breath of fresh air, and I see these two asses I recognize talking to a cop
on the purple people eater, so I didn't want any part of that. I start walking
back towards the New Port side and I ran into this girl lurking in the shadows,
and I start talking to her. Long story short she gave me her number so I could
text her and go watch sunny in Philly with her naked, strange... but when in
Rome you know... So here come the uncle and his friend and their noses are
bleeding and their pretty much bloody and broken, I'm thinking "what the
fuck..." So I ask them what happen and they go into this long drawn out
story about how they were protecting my honor from those frat boys who had
their picture taken with me. I'm thinking "protecting my honor???" I
mean am I prom queen now??? They got their asses handed to them I can tell. I'm
ready to go text ol girl and see where I need to watch sunny in Philly at, but
I have to find my buddy first so I tell the uncle and the other guy to wait on
me on the corner and don't move. I go looking for my buddy, I'm searching all
around the river front for like 30 or 40 minutes and then I walk back up to the
street and I see them lump of human sitting on the sidewalk sharing a pizza
with a delivery guy. I keep looking at this dude and I find out that it's my
buddy I've been looking for like a damn hour, so I walk up and I'm all
"let me get some of that, dude!!!" I'm all hungry and sober as the
Pope by this point, so I get him to his feet and we're ready to roll out. I go
looking for the uncle and his friend and their nowhere to be fucking found. We
make the executive decision to leave their sorry asses. We're about two steps
from being in the car and on our way back to his house when his uncle calls and
says he has some women waiting down next to the river. My buddy is a big dude
and I've never seen this guy move so fast as after that phone call it's like
his damn feet didn't even touch the ground, like he floated all the way back to
the main drag...
I finely catch up with him and
the other two and there is only one women down there and she's old as fuck and
not like the well-aged old but like crazy cat lady old... "Why the fuck
are we here???" so I pretty much lay the law down and tell everyone to get
the fuck in the car it's close to 4 AM and everyone is tired and/or bleeding
out of their face... I'm the DD because I'm soberest at this point, we all four
climb in the car and as soon as I turn the key this assholes start screaming to
the top of their lungs "WHITE CASTLES" and I'm thinking that's not a
terrible idea. We pull into White Castles and we all roll in and I order my
food and I watch my buddy order his and I hear "two sliders..." and
I'm thinking "two sliders???" who the hell comes to White Castles for
two sliders... but I really don't care at this point. I guide him back to the
table sit my food down while he's harassing this little hood rat in there for
the gold star she packed in. Everyone is kind of settled down so I go to the
bath room. I walk out of the bathroom to see like 5 cops coming in every
entrance, I'm thinking "holy shit balls, this son of a bitch is getting
robbed" then I see the cops talking to the uncle and his friend and I hear
them say "Ok dude... you guys have called 911 like 5 times tonight over the
same fight, do it again and your whole crew goes to jail..." That's my
final straw I walk over to my buddy and say "get the fuck in the car"
at this point I really don't care about the uncle and his friend fuck them...
but they follow. I've got this vision in my head of us all getting in the car
and as soon as I pull out we get pulled over because of uncle ass fuck and his
buddy... They all three start their shit in the back and I kind of fly off the
handle for a minute and tell them to sit there and shut the fuck up, their all
silent as church mice. I pull out all careful and this cop car passes me and
wiping the sweat from my brow I'm feeling safe from a DUI again...
We make it back to the house and
the uncle and his friend disappear into the night, good riddance... and I get
to go to bed without having the breaks beat off of me, or getting a DUI, or
watching sunny in Philly naked with a girl of the night. I lived to fight
another day this round...
*My Thoughts On Fake Breast:
Honestly not my thing... the
one's I felt were sort of boxy, and weren't soft like a breast should be, they
felt more like a dry kitchen sponge. Maybe I have weird taste but I feel like a
woman's breast should dangle a little, have some elasticity to them; every
breast has its strong points if you know where to find that strong point.
