Graduation / Santacon

I can finally say that I'm a college graduate... It almost felt like fate I've been in school for 11 years and Graduated from college on the last sequential date of this century, So in my mind I feel like the planets aligned and the heavens opened up when I walked the stage.

FRIDAY

Friday was a hell of a day, Santa for my coworkers children at the work Christmas party, rocked a little graduation practice, then I made an ass of myself at Bdubs. I was easily the loudest mouth in the room, not an easy task when you're competing with like 50 TV's at full volume and a jukebox going in the background. Personally I didn't give a fuck though because it was my night to celebrate. I ended up drinking like 15 beers and flirting with a ton of waitresses... Then I drunkenly walked next door to the movie theater and watched Exodus. So beer and religion went together pretty well...

I wake up at like 4AM and just turn on my Ultra Groove playlist on spotify (I might add a link at the bottom if I think about it later). I lie there until the sun is coming up and realize I haven't slept more than a few hours tops. so I finally get off of my couch and get ready and roll over to campus. I've been in school 11 long years and I keep thinking to myself I started kindergarten the same way as I ended my college career, in a line single file... It's a good feeling to think that I finally accomplished something that I've been aiming towards my whole life up to this point. I've missed one semester of school since 1991 and for the record no one ever told me it would take me 23 years to finish up. During the ceremony I kept zoning out and going through a list of things in my head, things that I've went through during the pursuit of this degree, like one failed marriage, several ex girlfriends, many women, a ton of friends, two homes, two Trucks, one blue heeler. Yea it was worth it I think.

SANTACON

So my family and myself rolled out to eat right after graduation, and then I rolled up to Cincinnati for Santacon. I was running late with graduation and dinner and all. I made it about the time everyone else was completely fucked up. I get to my buddy's house and change my clothing and became "Tropical Santa" (aka Jimmy Buffet Santa) I had my beach shirt on, with some garland wrapped around my neck, a huge dollar store Christmas ornament hanging from the garland, my large straw hat, and my sunglasses. So after I get dressed I'm trying to figure out where my people are. My buddy calls me at the very least 15 times and every time ask me to hold on as soon as I answer... then when he did returned he passed the phone away to other people and I kept hearing I love yous, and congratulations, and one of the girls told me she needed a Santa to be an elf for in a slightly slurred speech pattern. My buddy knows this cabbie who I had already called to pick me up. I'm thinking while I wait I'm going to pound some gin and play a little catch up, so I finished off a half bottle of gin that I found and I hear a horn blowing out front. when I get in the cap he ends up knowing more about where they're at than I do.

When I hoped out of the taxi everyone kept saying I was their favorite Santa and that I did a great job on my outfit, and the whole time I'm just thinking "hell yea, I just wanted to wear shorts and be comfortable in a big ass crowd" and believe it or not but I was still sweating my ass off. I get in the bar and everyone is chanting my name drunker than 10 Indians, and everyone and their mom are fighting to buy me a drink. I'm thinking a guy could get use to this kind of thing.

The first person my eyes meet up with is this newly wed girl that I've had the hots for for years, she runs up gives me a great big long ass hug in her short little velvet Mrs. Clause outfit, not gonna lie I was digging it. She grabs me by the hand pulling me though the crowd to the bar orders me a drink and gives me another great big hug. I glance back though the crowd and there was my buddy's ol lady being all white girl wasted. She weaving in her seat looking at the floor, then she looks up and sees me and parts the crowd for her own great big congratulatory hug, and she started handing me pocket candy canes, so I'm standing here in the bar licking candy canes trying to figure out if they have plastic on them or not... I'm sure it was an odd site to anyone watching, thinking we were licking some kind of weird toad type candy. After about 5 minutes I just say fuck it and throw them in my drink. I finally see my buddy sitting off to the side, He's drunker than 10 Indians, and he's trying to tell me something about my graduation present and how he has no idea what happen to it. I personally thought it was amazing that the zoo keeper (aka: Big Boobies McGee) showed up after I got drunk and accidentally/drunkenly kept feeling her up about a year ago (for the record I was really interested and I thought she was too). She actually bought me a couple drinks talked too me for like 20 minutes and ask me if one the pictures in the bar was a girl with her "O" face. Not gonna lie I thought that was awful damn classy of her. Then there was also one of the twins, the one that I saved from the creeper back last month sometime, she bought me some drinks as well. Some red headed dick was there as well, I didn't know this guy but he was moving in on my territory. He kept telling these dumb fuck jokes and tearing snowflakes off the bar room ceiling... My Buddy and myself turn our attentions to this penguin wearing Mrs. Clause, we're all chatting it up and my buddy leans over and whispers something too her and she gives us the finger and doesn't say another word (not actually sure what he said).   Needless to say I had enough booze in me to float a battle ship.

We rolled out to the next place which just happen to be a pizza place, I'm wondering around the place chatting it up with all the other Mrs. Clauses. My buddy ends up buying every slice of pizza that they have left and we mow though it, and his ol lady comes in for a bite of his pizza and gets denied well next thing I know I'm hearing the jaws music and shes about crust deep on my pizza...

Next thing I know we've crossed the river and we're on our way to another bar. we're all borderline messed up and it's only like 6, as in 6pm... The bar we're in starts playing that song fireball on repeat (a great marketing mimic now that I think about it) and my buddy's ol lady and the twin buy me some shots of fireball whiskey. This is the point in the night where I know things are about to get real. The twin leaves for a bit (later I found out she got sick) and this older woman comes up and starts dancing with me and my buddy's ol lady and she says "you guys just look like you're having soooooo much fun, I had to come and join!" we were having a pretty damn good time.We roll out to the patio and this is when things start to get right with the world, I've hit the drunken version of the singularity, Lost somewhere between god and man. I'm starting to bellow out Biz Markie - just a friend (because that's what a god/man would do of course). Everyone starts to join me with my drunken chorus. The Zoo Keeper ol dude and The Red Headed Dick show up out of the blue, while I'm telling some weird dude walking the streets to go fuck himself. The Twin ends up giving me a whole glass of what I thought was beer until I started drinking it. It turned out to be some hard cider which tasted like candy, and added fuel to the fire. The Red Headed Dick said something smart ass to me (or so I assume) and I ended up telling him that people who say those kinds of things back home end up going and fucking themselves... That dude didn't say a word to anyone the rest of the night. So after telling off The Red Headed Dick I'm stumbling down the street singing to the top of my lungs that Biz Markie song again, and I can here people chanting it behind me. I find this barrel laying on its side being used as a planter and I ended up yelling "watch me ride this bull" so there's a picture and possibly a video of that floating around... and I made the girls jump in the fountain (it was dry...)

On to the next bar, we roll in and I don't know if they never mop the floor or what be I've never been in there when I've not had to focus on keeping my damn loafers on. So I'm looking around and I see this short woman walking buy and I yell "HEY GIRL!!!" and she turns and looks at me and walks over to my buddy and myself. She's giving us both the "loopy sex me up" eye and she starts yelling at my buddy "SHUT UP AND FUCKING HOLD ME" then she looks at me and says "All of my men got put in jail tonight..." and to be completely honest I had no idea what that meant other than some people were serving jail time. Then she whispers something that I couldn't hear and she draws back and punches my buddy right in the face completely unsolicited to my knowledge. Then she turns to me and put her right hand on my man tit and her head old my chest and starts molesting me all soft like. Well when she gets finished she looks at me and says "Hey lets go the the bar that's in the back" and I'm all like "Ok, after you" I take three steps and do a 180 and step back up the bar. The bar starts to play Kid Cudi - pursuit of happiness (which I love) I start dancing and I see this short haired woman walk up and dance with some of my friends, so I've got this idea "Just move up on her and dance" so I did and her husband steps in... not gonna lie that dude absolutely loved me, I told him about the lady that punched my buddy and molested me and we we're automatic bros. Then we saw her stumbling back though the bar and we all start squealing like small children scared shitless of something. It was weird.

My buddy and myself walk out to the opening in between bars and I look back and see this strange woman again apparently she got kicked out of the bar and she was trying to get back in the side door of the bar. She's pulling really hard on the door and looses her grip and tumbles over some steps and she's just laying here on the walkway, and I'm thinking "should I check on her or should I keep walking" and before I finish the though I see her legs and arms go in the air and start twitching like some cockroach that got stunned under a shoe. I see the rest of our group and I start yelling "omg, look!!! look!!! look!!!" and they all give me high fives and don't realize what I'm even trying to get them to look at and where does she go when she's back to her feet??? straight for me and my buddy... So we took off running and got inside the next bar before she got to us...

So we're in the next bar and my buddy is ordering me a drink and we see this line of cougars. well the first one in the row makes eye contact and I hand her my large Christmas ornament and my buddy starts yelling "FEEL HIS BALL" and I yell "SHAKE IT SOFTLY" and all the cougars shake my ball while I'm making this god awful face... I glance over and I see The Read Headed Dick playing Golden Tee, FUCKING GOLDEN TEE... I mean why even come to the bar??? I guess I scared the hell out of him him when I told him to go fuck his self. I ended up wondering off to the patio for a breather, and then everyone else follows me outside. I get to watch a drunken rendition of Journey - Don't Stop Believin' with the choreography of my buddy's ol lady, then he burst though the door and called me Connie Chung, I really didn't know how to take that, still don't to be honest.

We finely decided to roll out, so we get in the taxi and my buddy's ol lady and the twin are yelling at the taxi driver to go though the drive though and he tells us its against policy, and I've personally never saw this before but my buddies ol lady gets so pissed off she blacks out and angerly sleeps to the next bar. While the twin is getting all angry from hunger pains. So we get to the next bar and my buddy and me roll in like a couple of rock stars straight to the bathroom, and his ol lady and the twin have to sit outside to catch their breath for like 30 minutes... They finally roll in, and my buddy and the twin get in a hat fight with my hat and my buddy flings it across the room and you would have though he just called my mom the biggest whore in town, I was flipping out "DAMN IT, GO GET MY HAT... GO GET MY HAT, ASS..." well some girl picks it up and says she's going to keep it and I ended up telling her you can because it's a family heirloom (yea my 2 buck goodwill hat is a family heirloom... my dad wore it when he crossed the border...) so she's freaking out going "OMG OMG, I'LL GIVE IT BACK IN A FEW MINUTES" so she does and when I get it back I lay it on the bar in front of me, the twin is looking at it really intently, then she says "omg I've got to fix your hat" and she starts reweaving the straw. So I'm sitting here watching this twin I'm really attracted too re-weave a dollar store hat... I was enamored with the process and couldn't look away until I noticed that my buddy's ol lady's head was face down into the bar top, then I started yell "SHE'S DOWN, SHE'S DOWN!!!" The twin and my buddy's ol lady tell me their leaving and I let them know I'll wait for my buddy, so they stumble out the bar while we pound a couple more drinks, then we leave like 10 minutes later. 

We're stumbling down back alleys, pissing on garage doors and singing/mumbling sea chanties. I look down and I see this strange colored cloth and I realize it's the twin's elf hat so I snatch it up and put it in my pocket. I feel like we're walking slow as molasses, and then in the darkness I see a thin elf and a onesie that looks like a Santa outfit... I'm thinking to myself "what the fuck..." there's no way we should have caught up with them... either we sprinted (which sure fucking didn't happen) or they fell face down in the alley for a while... So we're back at the house and I decided to be proactive and pour everyone a glass of water, well the twin doesn't want hers and my buddy's ol lady is too drunk to drink it, so I ended up drinking all three glasses. My buddy's ol lady is basically mumbling to the floor at this point so they go on to bed which leaves me and the twin in the kitchen. We chat it up for a bit, She tells me about her dog and such, and then she tells me she has to go and look at her as sober as the Pope and ask "You sure you're ok to drive, lady???" and she says she is, but I still kind of wondered. honestly I was hoping she would say and we could put in a movie or something but it didn't happen. I walk to the living room and put in trains, planes, and automobiles, I pass out by the end of the opening sequence. 

THE NEXT MORNING

So the next morning rolls around and I wake up on the couch as fresh as a daisy felling like a champion because I drank everyone's water the night before. I walk over to my buddies speakers and put on my Ultra Groove playlist and enjoy my morning with Al Green. My buddy and his ol lady get up a couple hours later and we all sit down and watch the Bengals play with my graduation present that didn't get misplaced, a bottle of my favorite booze in the world (Bird Dog Whiskey). we're mixing drinks and mixing drinks and mixing more drinks and before I realize we've drank and entire bottle of whiskey between the two of us just sitting in the floor watching football on a Sunday (aka: Sunday Funday). In the next 4-5 hours I run the gambit from drunk to sober to hungover, to ready to do it all again... I also have a graduation dinner at City Bbq somewhere during the hungover portion and I found a scarf and used it as a turban in the back seat of my buddy's ol lady's car... It was a good weekend.

GOING HOME

I sometimes roll out of my buddies house at 5am so I can make it back home and to work by 8am and this time was no different, other than I noticed that the river was a little calmer than usual, it was so still that you could see a perfect reflection of Cincinnati in the river, and it kind of reminded me of what a truly great life I live. I'm lucky to have a place like Ludlow to go hang out with friends and have misadventures, I'm lucky to see the river with that reflection of Cincinnati in it, I'm lucky to get to watch the sun come up over the AA Highway on my way home. I'm just a lucky dude in general....
 

Slow Down, Please, Just Slow Down

Bob Dylan is drifting

my life is skipping

over before it started

slow down, please, just slow down

Weeks turn into minutes

I can see it, but can't grasp it

slipping away like sand

slow down, please, just slow down

Time comes crushing down

the gears of eternity keep turning

no mercy, no remorse, just moments

slow down, please, just slow down

Blink and it's over

feel the caress of a memory

did it even happen, does it matter

slow down, please, just slow down

The soul is the only clock worth watching

a timepiece of mortality, wound too tight

loose a moment and it's lost forever

Slow down, please, just slow down

Suspended from now to the end

stuck in space and time

drifting like a seed in the wind

slow down, Please, just slow down

Memories have a half life

radiation fires from great events

years later the flashbacks will wither

slow down, please, just slow down

Surprise Party

So I'd known about this surprise birthday party for my buddy since about September. This weekend I drove north to see it though. Not gonna lie it might have been the worst planned event I've ever been a part of. We didn't know who was coming, there was no main dish, and there was no help setting up. So I ended up doing most of that myself, I kept thinking to myself you can't have a party with out food I mean what kind of world would that be... Even the third world countries have food when you stop by. I decided I would try my hand at chili and a sausage, cheese, and salsa dip. I take a little trip to the store and back and I spent the next  3 hours or so fixing food, I personally think the chili and the dip turned out great.

I wait around a few hours and people finely start showing up, there are about 6 people there when my buddy and his ol lady get back from the bourbon they went on, he walks in and you can tell that he's hammered down by the way he's speaking. we're all hiding in his bar room and we hear him mumble from the living room "what the fuck???" he sees the beer pong table set up, well he walks past it toward the bar room and we all yell weird random stuff at him I personally yelled "Steve Buscemi" don't ask me why because I don't know. We see his face come though the bar room doorway and he has this look on his face like he wants to punch us all in the face, I'm pretty sure we scared the hell out of him.

The party turned out very well, lots of people ended up showing up late, I guess there was about 12 or so people there, not bad considering no one does anything any more. I had a really old college friend show up at about 11:30 and everyone is yelling lets go to the bar. There's only five of use left at this point and my old college friend is driving this small ass car (always seems like she has a small ass car of some sort) we all squeeze in to this stumpy little car, it's my college friend, my buddy, his ol lady, one of her friends (skinny chick, thank god), and me. It's my buddy, skinny, and me in the back seat I'm about a foot shorter than my buddy and I've got my head turned sideways just to be able to sit in the back seat, and poor little skinny is squished between me and him, I feel like mine and his shoulders were touching and she was just about to pop out from in between us like some sort of cartoon character. If there would have been an accident I don't think any of use would have moved an inch. So I over hear skinny saying that she almost got arrested the other day because some dude pulled his pants off in her car, and I'm thinking that's just a weird ass story I don't say much at the time. We're driving along and my college friend has to use the bathroom and my buddy jumps up front when his ol lady gets out, and skinny is going though her wallet and she says "oh god, if I don't have my wallet you're going to sit in the car with me, right???" talking to me, and I respond with a "I don't know, you might try to take your pants off like you did the other night and we might get arrested" and she gave me a little slap and grinned and said "that wasn't me..."

We finely find a parking spot down the road from the bar. My buddy's ol lady and skinny take off running toward the bar, and the rest of us kind of walk slowly there. We get there and my old college friend says she has a friend coming and we're all like "okay". I'm standing there as sober as the pope and my college friend's friend comes in rolling with a bunch of tugs, she comes over and introduces herself, I don't remember her name and honestly I don't care to remember it.

I'm standing in the back of the room just fighting to stay awake because I'm getting kind of tired at this point, and out of the corner of my eye I see this dude walk up to skinny. I really wouldn't have thought anything of it if he hadn't been holding his head so strangely, he had his chin buried into his left solder just starring down at her and I'm thinking "if this jackwagon was a horse someone would have put him down by now..." I'm starting to tune out the music and other people just to watch this show. The dude starts getting closer and closer to her, and I can tell from just watching her body language that she's weird'ed the hell out, but she's in no danger we're all standing there so it's really more of a show at this point. The whole time the werido is on skinny my old college friend is putting full court press on me, trying to bump and grind I assume, and I'm just not feeling it, as a matter of fact I've never felt it, and we've had that same damn talk time and time again, it's actually pretty annoying. Eventually my college friend walks away to talk to her friend, and my buddy wanders over behind her and looks at her friend and points at me and I'm thinking "what the hell is he saying now". A few minutes later my colleges friend's friend wonders over to me and with out missing a beat says "your friend says you have a dick the size of a pringles can and that you'd really like to eat me out, dude..." and that kind of caught me off guard to say the lest and I said "is that what he told you???" and I look over and that ass is cracking up. So this whole two minutes I'm standing next to a glass garage door next to an outdoor patio, she kicks her high heels off and says "I don't think you could handle me dude" and then she starts climbing the garage door with me between her and it, and I'm standing there thinking "what the fuck is happening here" well she falls off the garage door and I say "yea I think you're right I couldn't handle you" and she did some kind of werid ass hip movement and walks away.

I'm back on the weirdo and skinny now, she had gotten up to go the rest room and the guy followed her, and I kept thinking how strange that was to me, then another girl is trying to talk to him and he pushes her away and says something to the affect of "get away!!! this is the girl I want" and takes his hand and pushes her away, and turns to skinny and gets about three inches from her face and starts saying something about somethings that happen to him in the military, I'm thinking "damn, we've got Gomer from full metal jacket here..." I'm starting to get a little concerned at this point because the dude is acting so strange and he's gotten one of his buddies over there with him at this point. My college friend keeps putting full court press on me and I keep trying to let her down gently but she's not taking the hint. One of the dudes that works there yells "Time to go people!!!" and I'm thinking "it's about damn time, thank god..." So skinny and myself are the first two out of the bar, we're waiting on everyone else, and we see that creepy ass guy coming out. She looks at me and says in a terrified voice "put your arms around me" so I wrap my arms around her and she's acting like she's all about me. The creepy guy walks up to us and gets about two feet away (well within our space bubble) and I look at the guy and say something to the affect of "can I help you with something Junior?" (in my most dry north easterner voice) he lets out a soft mumble and lurks off into the shadows of an alley, I'm fairly sure that the guy kept watching us as well which makes it even more creepy. Then right on que here comes my buddy and his ol lady, and we're all talking about how weird that creepy ass dude dude was. A few minutes latter I'm asking "where the fuck is ol girl (my old college friend)" and here she comes out of the bar saying good buy to her trashy ass friend. On the walk back to the car my old college friend insist that we link arms and walk like the wizard of oz, I'm all like "nah I'm good" she just keeps pulling the whole lovey dovy thing...

We make it back to the house and my old college friend is talking about how she's going to get a road dog (drink to go) and go ahead and leave, she walks in the house and pours a whole solo cup of Redstag (cinnamon whiskey)  and I'm thinking "here we fucking go".

Me: "You're gonna take a full cup of whiskey???"
Her: "Well she doesn't fucking care!!! (looking at my buddy's ol lady)"
Me: "Let that poor girl eat her damn cheese stick..."
Her: "Walk me to my car???"
Me: "Lets go lady..."

So I walk her outside and it becomes a "my life sucks and I can't do anything about it" party... Personally I'm from the school of "if you don't like it fuck it..." so it's really a drain on me to hear bullshit of this caliber, but I listen for a few because she's my friend. A few minutes in I ask her if I can have a drink out of her solo cup and as soon as it touches my hands I just pore it out on the pavement. Another ten minutes of bullshit and tell her I've got to go in, so we part ways.

I walk back in the house all the lights are off everyone is making their way to bed and I was all like "Fuck... Me..." all I really wanted to do was have a night cap and sit around and review the evening but that didn't happen... So I drag myself up stairs into "my room" and I notice the door is open to the room adjoining mine, and skinny is in there changing, so I sit down on the bed for a moment, and she peeks her head in my room and we chat for a moment:

Her: "Thank you so much for what you did for me tonight"
Me: "No problem but you owe me now, lady..."
Her: "Okay... giggle... Goodnight"
Me: "Night Lady..."

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice to be appreciated for something... I laid there in my bed for a while and we started chatting it up between rooms, finely we stopped and I was drifting off for about 2 minutes at a time and every time I did I made these creepy ass noises that even woke me up. I decided I'd just go ahead and get up and go watch a movie or something, I walked down stairs and found Legends Of The Fall, so I watched it. There was a part of me that really hoped skinny would come down and watch it with me, but she didn't. I have to admit that whole thing outside the bar might have been fake but it make me realize how much I kind of miss all that bullshit...

Morning came and I still hadn't been to "real" sleep, so me and my buddy started a movie marathon and ate the fuck out of some chili, and then I rolled out toward home... Have to admit it was a nice 12 hours.

Paul McCartney

The best kind of weekend is the kind you have in the middle of the week...

So some time back Lee invited me to go with her to see Paul McCartney in concert. To be honest I was as giddy as a big harry school girl ever since she ask me to go, and it got worse at the concert got closer. Tuesday was the night of the concert.

I ended up taking a half day off from work on Tuesday. Went hope though I would clean up a bit, I'm texting my buddy's baby momma asking her what a guy should wear to a Paul McCartney concert. She's a pretty fashionable lady so I took her advise. spent the next couple hours getting my groom on trying to look my best.

I roll down the interstate toward her house, getting my Al Green / Instrumental Wu Tang cover band on. I get to her place and I've got this little present for her wrapped in brown paper with a green bow wrapped around it looking a lot like a pretty Chinese take out box, it contained mustard even though everyone I know said "please don't give her mustard...". I also gave her a six pack of copper ale. I mean for god sake flowers are so over rated, everyone gives flowers but you give a girl a bottle of mustard and that's going to live on forever good or bad she'll never forget. So she opens her little take out box and seems to enjoy the fact that she receives mustard. Then she looks at me and ask "would you like a beer?" I'm thinking "damn did I hear her correctly? Would I like a beer" and I respond with a "yes, I would love a beer." it kind of caught me off guard because I've never had a girl ask me if I wanted to start my night off with a beer. so we had a beer together and roll toward the concert.

We get to the parking garage and it's my job to remember where we parked. I might appear useless at a lot of things but I'm damn good at finding my way back to places intoxicated, I'm also really damn good at splitting up the bill for groceries with my buddies at Wal-mart but that's a whole different story. Lee tells me about this pre-party that's suppose to be happening up the street so we walk to that and it's ending by the time we get there so we hit up a bar, after we hopped some plants to get in. We roll in and and she wants me to recommend her a drink, and I'm sitting there like a damn stooge because I really hadn't even considered drinking at this point even though we were in a bar... So I say "Cape Cod" and she ask me what it is and I tell her it's a vodka cranberry with a touch of lime (nice quick drink highly recommended if you're a fan of any of those products), and I'm thinking for myself a Gin Ricky (Gin, lime juice, and soda water). I order for Lee and myself and the bartender doesn't know what a Gin Ricky is, so I tell him and I forgot to say soda water. so I'm drinking straight Gin with a splash of lime juice, also a great way to get more bang for your buck, I'm drinking basically three shots for six bucks... Well needless to say I was getting simi-hammered simi-fast. We have a couple drinks and roll out heading towards the concert.

We're at the gates showing our tickets to people and we're asking how to get to our seats, and this lady tells us "take the escalator and then take the small escalator and you're there" and we're like "thank you" (said drunkenly) and we start to look around and there are like four different sizes of escalator, and it's like what the hell. But we finely figure out where we're going with no help from this guy. there is a bar fairly close to our seats and we sit down and I get to tell another bartender how to make a Gin Ricky again forgetting the soda water, guzzle that and take a blue moon to our seats. So we're following this lady to show us where our seats are and I'm looking down the steps and they are looking extra steep and I'm feeling extra tipsy thanks to the half bottle of Gin I have consumed, and I'm trying to balance while drinking my beer trying to squeeze between the people standing to let us get to our seats, also I might have spilled a drip or maybe a slosh of beer on this dudes head in front of us, but I kept moving and didn't look back... I was sitting there kind of looking at Lee and I saw how much her eyes lit up and I loved it, I never see anyone excited about anything any more and that was so refreshing to me, I might have been drunk but I can still notice things.

So the concert has already started and we're about five songs in and I just happen to realize that I'm about to piss myself, the Gin and beer has caught up with me, and I try to hold it for a minute because I'm thinking "what kind of piece of shit makes everyone get up five songs into a concert..." Soon I have to get up to avoid being the dick that pissed himself at the Paul McCartney concert. Everyone is giving me a dirty look on the way out, then I have to wait in line for the family bathroom, almost didn't make it... I took for sure what was the longest piss of my life I mean I even had time to think about stuff, then I heard Maybe I'm Amazed start playing and I'm cursing and trying to get my zipper up because I love that song. I run out of the family bathroom and get back to my row and the old lady on the end sees me and she has the dirtiest look on her fact and I just mouth to her "I'll sit in front of you until the song is over..." I really didn't want to be the dick that makes everyone miss the favorite part because I drank too much Gin... so I catch the tail end and then make it back to my seat after the song.

I'm a bond fan as most people know, and I'm jonesing for live and let die (I think I'm the only person who says jonesing on a regular basis...) and when it comes on I'm sure I'm sitting there with a big shitty grin, and once it gets to the fast part all these flames and fireworks start shooting out of the stage and I'm about the stroke out, actually I'm still about the stoke out just thinking about it... and then he sing Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood with a ukulele, not gonna lie, I really wasn't expecting that and nearly stoked out once more, one of my favorite songs hands down. Paul also came out for like 3 encores, which was amazing. He really puts on a great show, if you get the chance go see him.

The concert was over and we're both walking around in a state of euphoria and we see this neat old bus parked on the side of the street and there is this girl handing out papers in front of it and getting all curious and stuff, and I ask the girl if we're around to look on the bus, and she says yes, and without hearing another word I just walk on in, and Lee stands outside and ask her what it's all about. Well I'm taking a little tour of the bus and there is this beardy guy sitting in the back eating something I look at him and say "hey buddy that's a nice looking salad you got there" like a dumb shit, and the guy says "yea it's pretty good, their across the street" then Lee is on the bus and she talks to him for a bit, and come to find out it was a damn cult, Lee keeps talking to the dude and I'm starting to get all bewildered, like the motor is running and the girl standing out front of the bus had just gotten on and I start hearing all these loud banging noises and stuff, and I'm about the flip shit because I think we're getting kidnapped by this weird ass cult that want's me to bake bread for some leader type asshole. Lee keeps chatting it up with the guy and he's way too agreeable doesn't matter what she says he all like "yea that's what we stand for" and he's talking about how non-religious their cult is but on their pamphlets they've got all these scriptures referenced, and then he starts talking about how you can't be connected to one another and become better humans by just going to church one hour a week, and I'm thinking the whole time I spend about 40 hours a week with my coworkers and I hate to see most of those people, and I've got the bearded wonder over here trying to talk me into baking bread to make money for the cult, I'll be damned if I'm going to bake bread so some other ass can make a living, If I'm going to be in the cult I'm for sure going to be leading the son of a bitch... So Lee and the guy stop talking and we're making my way off the bus and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little revealed to be off of that jack wagon. I'm really not sure why I was nervous I guess it was my grandmother coming out in me, she's always force fed me that everyone was out to get me from a young age, but I feel like it was true in this case since it was a cult and all we were talking to it is kind of the business of culting to get new members, and I kind of heard Robert Stack in the back of my mind telling my story on unsolved mysteries which would be even weirder since he's dead and all...

We leave the cult bus Lee takes me to this bar where the whole bar top is a fish aquarium and again I'm cheesing like an eight year old, I had never saw anything like that, and I had no idea there was one that close to me, I figured that was the kind of thing you had to see in Korea or someplace. I have to admit to have gold fish swimming under my drink really appealed to me, we ended up getting a few more drinks and chatting it up for a while. Talking about our dreams and such for our lives and how much I'd rather lead a cult than be in one...

We rolled out after a while and it was my time to shine and find the car, and I really didn't disappoint... So we're heading back toward her place, we get to her exit on the interstate, and she says something that I never would have expected "I have Vodka, and triple sec... we should stop and get mixers" and I'm sitting there thinking did I just here her correctly again??? Not gonna lie it was a pleasant surprise to hear someone talking about mixers rather than bed at like 1:30 in the morning. So we stop at Kroger and hit up the juices, and then it hits me Moscow Mule, but of course a Kroger in a city would never have anything like ginger beer, I mean what the hell was I thinking... so we went with cran-apple instead. We get back to her place and I'm bar tender so I'm mixing up everything she has in to one nice little drink. Then she puts a CD in and I'll be damned if it's not Al Fucking Green, I'm a big Al Green fan for the record, I mean there is a select few human beings who can sing about doing the dirty and Jesus in the same song and he's one of them. I'm sitting there and she's talking about how she would like to dance and like a dumb fuck I'm just like "uh huh" I mean why didn't I dance with the girl??? What the hell was I thinking??? We've been chatting and drinking for a good three hours it's pushing 4:30am by this point and we go to the living room to watch some DVRed Saturday Night Live, and Lee is falling asleep during the commercial breaks so we call it a night or maybe a morning depending on your view of the day.

I lay on her couch in my khakis, button down shirt, and old man socks. I end up having this weird ass dream about someone keeping a website about my shortcomings as a human and it was hosted in Germany which was weird as fuck. I wake up at like 7:30am all weird and depressed felling. and I just kind of lay there for a few hours waiting for Lee to wake up, so about 10:30am or so I hear her rustling around and she gets up and makes us a pot of coffee and we chat it up for a little while, we start talking about traveling and then she says "we should go tour a distillery today", again I'm having a moment of damn did I just hear her correctly, and that was cool as fuck, and we keep talking about travel and such and she tells me she has some pictures from her trips to China, Japan, Cambodia, Korea, and some other places. We start going through her pictures which are very cool, most of the things she had in her picks I've never saw or heard of, like snowing in Japan, I mean I didn't even know they received show, hell they not only receive snow that have an all out snow festival (I'm not sure if was japan but it was one of the Asian countries) as well as an ice bar... I was jonesing on all of her pics. Frankly I think she should be a street photographer, she has a really good eye for the interesting and an inquisitive nature to match which is pretty damn cool if you ask me. She showed me her pics from New York as well, lots of art deco and architecture and I love both, it was what I would have assumed chatting with a national geographic photographer would have been like, and I really enjoyed myself.

We didn't actually make it to the distillery tour, but we spent the rest of the evening sitting around outside talking about stuff and junk and such... Not gonna lie it's a good feeling to have a conversation with someone and not get bored these days. I'm pretty sure I'm jonesing on Lee right now, and that's a really weird thing for me to say... Any way like I said the best weekends are the ones in the middle of the week...

An Open Letter To Myself

This is an open letter to myself past, present, and future.

Dear Dude,

It's all irrelevant. I'm not saying this in a negative way, I'm not saying this in a positive way, it's a neutral statement. There aren't such things as failure or success, again irrelevant. The only facts of life occur in the present moment, enjoy this moment, thrive in this moment, take this moment because it's yours to take. Enjoy the small parts of life, their limited. Seek out the catchy little songs, seek out the nights filled with buddies, beer, and brats, seek out life. Breath in the high points, reflect briefly on the low points.

Don't stress anything, It's all irrelevant. Everything you experience is a particular kind of bodily chemical rush, there are no good happenings or bad occurrences, there are just events neither good nor bad. Experience them for what they are. When things appear bad just hold up your head and do your thing, when things look good just hold up your head and do your thing.

Don't over complicate. Sometimes people put too much into nothing, keep it basic, keep it simple, and you'll never go wrong. Don't try to escape your consciousness, observe it, why do you feel the way you do? Why do you think about this and not some other thought? Enjoy the moment and you'll never be unhappy.

Always remember in a million years no one will ever know you existed, so why worry about what anyone things in the moment, enjoy yourself and your moment.

Most importantly, love your dog.




Sincerely,
Largo

Learning, Work, and Life

I'm in an online class right now that I have no interest in what so ever, it's for a generic degree just so I can have a piece of paper with some writing on it that says I wasted half of my life so far just trying to receive. Not going to lie, if I wouldn't have had a full scholarship for the first half and let work pay for the second half I would have been pretty disappointed in myself. Looking back I wish I would have did something I enjoyed rather than listening to everyone around me talk about how I need a degree in what "pays good". I've always heard if you enjoy what you do you'll never work a day in your life, and I believe it to be true. This online class that I'm in is just something I have to have to finish a 12 year degree in nothing. The only reason for this class is to get "unmotivated" students ready for the work place. Personally to be motivated I have to have something to be motivated towards. If I'm interested in something I can work 18 hours non-stop although not healthy, it tells me something, I'm not a lazy guy. I'll work my little heart out for something I'm interested in. If I'm not interested it's lucky if I'll spend 15 minutes. That said, I can't stand this online class, it goes against everything I believe...

There are three types of learners in this world: Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic. I'm a little touch of all three, but it depends on the circumstance. I think it's funny how an institution of higher education can ignore the very thing they teach. online classes aren't for everyone, especially the ones that only use one form of media, being stacks on top of stacks of paper with no real information. I don't learn this way, give me a video, let me sit down and chat with someone about the subject, let me watch someone work with the subject, don't hand me a stack of papers and say learn.

I wake up every morning and think to myself "there's really nothing that appeals to me about my current life style" I'm up at the ass crack of dawn getting ready for a job that I really have no interest in going too. I really wouldn't mind getting up early if it was something I was interested in getting up for, I mean I'll roll out at 4am just to drive around and take pictures of the moon or something. I think there is a little more to life than sitting at a desk all day, day dreaming about the things you would rather be doing. I don't want to be a bum, and live off the government, I just simply want to do something I enjoy. There is no other animal on the planet that would willing do something it has no interest in doing and keep doing it, so why do humans?

I hear people talking everyday about how they put their dead end job above anything in their personal life, and it makes me so sick. To me work at the moment is something I do to finance the things I actually want to do. I'm really not even sure who I'm trying to convince by even writing this, maybe it's for myself, maybe it's a way to talk myself into becoming something I would like to be. I rally just want to live life on my own terms, I don't want to answer to anyone, not that I really answer to anyone now but I have to give into demands for my time more than I would like.

Our time is the most valuable resource we have and we willing we trade it for something as useless as cash. Cash is fruitless endeavor, cash is everywhere, time on the other hand is priceless, when time is gone time is gone forever, you're done, you're finished...

October Thus Far

So I took Lee Ann out again at the end of September, I ended up meeting with her in the middle and we went to this little Cajan place that had great food and a nice little atmosphere, for sure a place I'd go back too. We were driving back toward the theater, and she looks at me and says "you know what I like about you? the fact that you think the way you do." not gonna lie that kind of made me feel nice. We chit chatted all the way back to the movie theater, and once we got in there watching the previews I honestly felt like we were drunk the way we were going on laughing and giggling and stuff. In honor of the 30th anniversary of Ghost Busters they we're playing it there and that's what we watched, I was giddy to say the least. I personally can't wait until jaws comes back for the 40th anniversary, if it happens. So I'm sitting in the movie just really on the edge of my seat wanting to make a move, and I notice her moving around in her seat a little and I through my arm up and she give me an odd look so I put it back down, I wasn't sure if she didn't know what I was trying to do or it just weirder her out but I decided to pull back lol. I did end up holding her hand for a bit though, and I really enjoyed that. Fuck listen to me sounded like a damn 14 year old over here, what happen to me??? Then again it's kind of nice to feel something for a girl again, it's been way too long since I've had any of these feelings. It feels nice to roll in somewhere and not be able to figure out exactly how the nights going to end. I've been dealing with too many little college girls the last few years, I'm not use to a woman any more... So we roll out of the theater and I take her back to her car, I end up give her a nice tight hug and tell her to be careful on her way home and to text me when she got there. I drive home and as soon as I get there I get a text from her tell me she got caught in traffic, and we end up chatting it up half the night until I pass out.

Then there was Homecoming... now that was an experience. My dad ends up hanging out with us, he's really doesn't party, it's more like a mascot for our tailgate site because all the students know him from campus. We actually have a pretty damn good set up this year, a Coleman stove with hot chocolate on one side and taco soup on the other, and of course we spiked the hot chocolate with caramel vodka, it was a winner. The wind was blowing 80 miles an hour and it was like 30 degrees already but I wouldn't miss it for the world. We end up back at the house and getting ready for the "after party" taking our post tailgate poops and showers and all. Well we ended up driving out to one of the hotels in town and meeting up with a bunch of girls we use to know about 10 years ago, I had a different impression of them back then thought they were good girls, because I didn't know any better, when we roll in the room two of them are fucked out of the gourds after taking something I'd never heard of. I know nothing about that kind of stuff and I steer clear I'm a booze hound not a druggie, so we ended up leaving the room with one of the other girls who was a booze hound too, and we make the half a mile trek across intersections and traffic to the one bar this town has which happens to be something of a honkey-tonk, it's a little on the white trash side but I wouldn't change a thing. I see a ton of what are mostly girls that I use to know, we get our hugs and stuff out of the way and chat it up about how much nothing has changed in this town. well many shots and mixed drinks later me and my buddy roll out at 11:30, the bar closes at 12, yes 12... so we're gonna get back to the hotel and pick up our stuff and call a taxi. well I meet him in the car and the dude is passed out so I'm thinking let him sleep it off for a minute call a taxi and we'll finish up the night right.

12:30am - calling taxi, "hey can we get picked up at the days inn?"....... "sure, be right there"

1am - "where's that taxi?"

1:30am - "so about that taxi at 12:30... it never came" "oh I'm so sorry we'll be right here"

2am - "where the fuck is that taxi, dude turn the car on" "(no real language spoken)" car doesn't get started

3am - no taxi ever shows up. again... "dude start the car it's cold in here"  "(no real language spoken)" but he does reach for the keys this time...

4am - "fuck dude, it's freezing in here why didn't you tell me to start the car?" " I did dude..."

4:05am - "where are my keys?"

4:05am - 4:50am - car is torn apart and people in the room have 50 voice mails

4:50am - Scooby Doo Mystery solving begins "dude, you had the keys, you were sitting in the car when I got here, then you had to reach over and unlock my door, and I had to unlock the one in the back, and no one just leaves one door unlocked in this time of electrical locks and such..." then I said "dude, your wallet was in the floor board, your phone was in the floor board, I bet your keys are there too... look harder!"

4:52am - Keys are located way up under the seat under Mc Donalds fries from two years ago...

5am - teeth chattering stops and we roll back to my place and I'm down for the count.


Not the most eventful homecoming but one for the books non-the-less. But October has been pretty fun so far, now I need to think of a Halloween costume, If Lee Ann and myself do something I'd really like to do Fred and Wilma Flintstone, because I'm built like Fred and she has a little touch of Wilma in her, but time will tell.

Lee Ann

not gonna lie I'm running pretty ragged today. This past weekend didn't stop. I ended up hitting up the movies on Friday night with my buddy, it was the new Liam Neeson. The movie wasn't really what I expected but I'm really glad it wasn't, it's worth the watch if you ask me, it's a thinker with a lot less action, and that's all I'm going to say. We ended up going back to my house and talking about women with our other buddy long into the night sitting on my back porch.

Morning comes pretty early for me. I've got a motorcycle ride coming up at noon but I couldn't sleep past 9am even thought I'm tired as can be. I run a few errands, and I end up getting the most pitiful phone call a few minutes after I roll out "dude??? are you still gonna go with us today???" (guy is almost in tears), and I respond with a "yep, just doing a few things first". So we end up going on our 200 mile horse farm ride which is one of my favorites. so we're out for like 5 hours. As soon as I roll back home my dad is waiting for me in the drive way to go to a hillbilly concert which I'm already way too warn out to think about but I ended up going anyway. I learned on thing about myself that night I've really gotten away from my white trash roots. drunk rednecks grinding on each other as far as the eye could see, and I was a sober as the pope. a brewski would have helped tremendously, but my grandmother was there and I'm not really one to drink in front of my family. So after we leave that cluster fuck I get home and crawl into my couch at 2am and asleep by 4am.

7am rolls around and I crawl back off my couch get a shower and clean my truck out. I'm on the road by 8:30am rolling down the interstate to pick up my friend Lee Ann, a lovely little blue eyed red head with a similar disposition as me in life. I drove to her house to pick her up for the renaissance fair. So I've got my phone out trying to find her house texting and doing that whole number and she peeks her head out of her house and runs and jumps in my truck, she's wearing this pretty blue dress with a gray cardigan (such a pretty girl). FYI this is my first time meeting Lee Ann we met on Match sometime back and we've been texting it up, I've only met a hand full of girls from online dating, it's really not my thing, but when some of the conversations I've had with her I really wanted to meet her.

So as I drive north I'm getting to know Lee Ann in person and I have to admit she's a real hoot. we're chatting it up about my weird little life and our dispositions about working our lives away and travel. Just really good conversation, the kind you can't have with a college freshman these days. I have to admit it was sooooo refreshing. It takes us a good hour to drive north and we almost get killed twice, some crazy ass was driving on our side on one of the back roads we were on, and again when I was merging on to the interstate I saw a plan landing and my dumb ass is all like "the plane, the plane" and a simi comes barreling past us. I shit myself and started laughing like an idiot.

We get to my buddies house and apparently they didn't even know I was coming they just happen to pull in the same time I did, and we all just pile in the car and head north again for another hour or so.

I've never been to a renaissance fair before this one. So I'm a giddy little giggle box because I'm all excited and stuff. As soon as we walked though the gate there was small girl in elf ears trying to see us a rock\candle (not the kind of thing that I can't live with out) and Lee Ann and myself are just trying to simply trying to turn her down nicely, well the girl looks at us and says in an angry voice "If you would stop and look at something you might enjoy it" and I'm standing there thinking did I just hear her correctly??? Shocked to say the least, but we keep walking. I feel like all four of us have a little bit of a culture shock going on because we're not use to this folks. We're all walking slowly up this hill kind of taking everything in and I see these tombstones on the left and I say out loud "kind of reminds me of pirates of the Caribbean" and about this time this calypso looking girl walks by and starts giggling all weird like, even though it wasn't about her I let her have it anyway.

My buddy's girlfriend buys this turkey leg and it smells just like baked ham, so I start yelling ham hock like an idiot. I kept looking at some of the smaller venders and I keep thinking how shady they are, like the corn dog girl all laid out on her booth hiking her leg up, I'm thinking nothing personal I just don't really want a corn dog from this lady, and another thing she had coolers not a deep fryer, so it's pre-made corn dogs, no thanks... Also they had some weird names for some of their food like the Italian Stallion, I mean is this something you have to go behind the food shack to finish receiving??? although I did buy one, I had cheese added to mine and I was thinking "Oh yea their gonna lay a slice of cheese on here let it melt in real nice" Nope... they took the nacho cheese out of the gallon and poured it directly onto my Stallion. So I'm eating with Lee Ann talking to this other couple sitting in the shade with us with cheese sauce all over my hands, in my beard, even all over my nose, I had one napkin and I had a system I was gonna make my mess and then clean up, but needless to say I looked like an 8 year old who couldn't quite find his mouth. Oh and the boy band, there was this little group of pre-teens at the food venders singing Africa by Toto and I'm thinking how do they even know that song??? but it was so weird because they were dancing their little hearts out singing like the kid who didn't know the words in church just lip sinking and whispering what they thought the words were. I needed a beer by this point so I walked up to get one. I'm standing at the beer booth with Lee Ann and this what might have been a lady came out of the back and I just told her I wanted the biggest thing they had, and she'll looking at me like an idiot along with everyone else saying "I don't understand" I was just thinking maybe they had a half gallon container I could buy to take the edge off but no... well anyway I get this plastic cup of beer and I see it... Five o'clock shadow, I look at Lee Ann and she looks at me and I mean we're just giggle boxing it up.

we walk back to this "sword fight" comedy show, and they are kind of ripping off the three stooges, then they go in this whole act of pulling guys out of the stands and teaching them how to win a women's heart and when they got to the part of how to stand properly I could hear my buddy cracking up across the audience because they we're teaching the guys to stand the same way I stand normally with my hands on my hips and my chest out, so that was that.

Lee Ann and myself were walking along and I see this little girl crying in the grass by herself looking around and I stop and look at Lee Ann and say "you recon that little girls lost" and she walks over to her and ask her where her mommy was and she ended up being lost, so I'm standing behind her and the little girl kind of looking around for some frantic parents, there is this big guy in costume standing there and a few minutes into the ordeal he says he's going to go radio someone to come help so he leaves Lee Ann and myself with the little girl and Lee Ann is trying to figure out somethings about the little girl like her name and her moms name and stuff like that, then here comes the big guy back, he looks at us and says "yea... we've got a lost and found up front we'll that her too" and I'm thinking did I just here lost and found come out of this guys mouth. Then the "security" walks up three dudes and they bend down and get in the little girls face speaking all official, and I can only assume what's going though her head the whole time probable scared shitless if I had to guess. Then I heard this lady bellowing across the yard "Kimberly?!?! Kimberly!?!?" and I'm guessing it was her family. Not gonna lie I kind of understood why she got lost after that, and then I wondered maybe she meant to get lost...

We keep walking around the park and we ended up seeing the best mullet in central Ohio wearing a t-shirt that said "Ride it hard and put it up wet" classyness... then there was Robin Williams, the dude in the show looked just like Robin Williams, sounded just like Robin Williams, and even acted just like Robin Williams. It was a tad odd to say the least. then there was the reappearing butt crack, I kept tapping my buddy's girl friends arm every time it appeared and I was point at it. Then we saw this guy that looked like Marshall Applewhite from that haven's gate cult thing, and he starts making a sandwich as part of his show and I start yelling don't eat it because it's probable like the koolade... Lee Ann and myself go to get a couple beers and this old woman looks at me and says "that's an awful nice shirt to wear to a place like this, look you've already got a stain on your tit, you should go buy one of those leather braziers that push those tits up" and I'm thinking "damn lady I'm not sure what's happening here I really just wanted a beer, and I get a cheap shot at my man tits"...

We make our way over to the Jousting tournament, not gonna lie that was down right cool. the dude announcing the tournament starts talking like Conan because it's barbarian day, and we watch the guys get put in the armor and the one jousting for our side of the arena ask for a random bottle of stranger water lying on the ground and took a big drink out of it, and that really just kind of weirded me out, and then I kept saying "damn I could really go for some stranger water". It was a lot of fun the watch the dudes hit each other though, I bet their really sore after every match.

On the way out I see this guy carrying a sheep, and he was wearing a robe with leather sex toys strapped to him which really weirded me out a little more, and then I had this though, I wonder how many of those people were sex offenders. The more I thought about it that was no place for anyone under 18.

So we roll back south to my buddy's house and hang around for a few minutes, then Lee Ann and myself roll out and I'm thinking "lets go to union terminal I bet she'll really enjoy that" so we go back across the river and I get turned around for a few minutes down some of these little shitty alleys and when I finely do get back on track I get behind this big rig and this white car pulls up behind it and the stops at about the front of my truck and rolls his window down and starts looking back at us with the same face as David Chappelle as Tyrone Biggums, and the dudes are waving at us trying to get us to follow them up this alley. I'm thinking the whole minute and a half "fuck me I try to do something cool and the one time I try I'm gonna get shot in the face by Tyrone Biggums... Fucking sweet". So they turn up the alley with their arms out the window motioning us and I go so straight of course, and I was really just waiting for them to come back and try something and then I would have to get my breaker bar from under my seat and pretend to be bat shit crazy so they would leave. Thank god they kept going.

We finely park and I could really see her eye light up. It really made me feel nice to see someone thank as much of that place as I did. we took us a little stroll around the fountain, and I'm not going to lie I really wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her tight I could tell she was cold but I don't think it was right for that just yet. So we got back in the truck and started rolling south as I was looking for Tyrone Biggums. we chatted it up the whole way back to her place, talking about food, and life, up to the point where I was almost too tired to speak any more, I dropped her off and told her how nice it was to have met her, and she stood outside and watch me drive away as she was waving from the garage, Not gonna lie I really enjoyed that. 

As I drove back to my home I kept thinking about Lee Ann took care of that little lost girl and I loved it, even right now I still can't seem to get it out of my mind, such a good women to take care of that little girl like that. Its not often I get the butterfly's these days but I have to admit I might be a little smitten with this girl and it feels good to feel something like that again...

Comments On: Myth Of the Alpha Male Podcast

I made the mistake of listing to people drilling the "Alpha Male" life style and it's true it is just an excuse to be an ass. I started my little journey many years ago as a kid from the country that was basically modern Amish, the real world didn't exist to me, I never had a problem in my young life. I was taking college courses when I was 16 I was nice to everyone and I was very quite, and for some reason I was under the impression if I said the world sucks or anything worse I was going straight to hell. When I was 19 I met a girl who gave me attention and we ended up getting married when I was 20. I found out quickly it wasn't for me by 21 and was divorced by 22. I was lost I had no real personality because I had missed the opportunity to find myself when I was younger. I ended up playing a major game of what I thought was catch up, I ended up watching all this pick up stuff, and all I wanted was women and lots of them. This is when I wondered into the Alpha Male women love ass holes mind set.

I do believe some women love ass holes but then again other women love nice guys, and another subset love something else, I personally know a girl who's in to Amish men... As long as you true to what you are someones going to be attracted, I've saw lots of weirdo's that have all kinds of luck just because they don't have the need to change themselves. I went though and am still in my ass stage, I read all the material I could get my hands on about what women liked and that lead into me trying to change myself. I didn't feel good enough for anyone, of course I was still recovering from a divorce that I was terribly embarrassed \ ashamed of. I started out as the nice guy right after I separated from my wife, and later that year as I was saving up the money for my divorce I got scammed by a friend Dick for 1400 hundred bucks (lots of cash for a guy like me) that I was going to use for my divorce money. I grew a little bitter with the world during this period.
For a time I felt that everyone was judging me about my divorce and everyone just waned to take me for everything I was worth. My mind set had went from good ol boy to fuck them before they fuck me. I turned into the biggest jerk in the building where I worked. People started to avoid me out of fear of what mean thing I might say to them.

It's 6 years later now and I'm still working my way out of that Alpha Male ass stuff. I've always been kind of an intimidating guy I assume, very serious, never really ever shy but I was always quite (I am and always have been a listener), great sense of serious humor, I've always had an ego bigger than life. The main thing I've had trouble with is reputation, once it's changed into what it is it's extra hard to change it to what it really should be.

I guess my words of wisdom is don't give in to the bullshit, just be you, self improvement is one thing, changing for the sake of change is another... Good Luck...



Listen To The Podcast:

Here: http://theartofcharmpodcast.com/2014/09/10/james-fell-cutting-alpha-male-bs-episode-312/

NKY - The August 1st Edition

Thursday evening rolls around and I had been thinking three day weekend since the moment I woke up. Some coworkers and myself roll out to lunch and all I hear is "well I'm taking off Friday" "I'm taking off Friday" "me too". So it's official I'm not going to be the only ass hole working on a Friday, I make the game changing plan to take Friday off as well. The clock is running down because I'm a last minute kind of ass hole, 4:10pm and I get off in 20 minutes. As I'm about to stroll over to my boss's office here comes one of our local ass fucks to take up valuable time. So I'm about to panic, there is no damn way I'm working Friday. I'm panicking, do I email in the ol sick day tomorrow or do I just send an email right now to take care of it. Email it is... so I'm all like "boss, I really need to take tomorrow off... ect" and I'm packing my stuff about to get on the elevator when I here the ass fuck of a visitor starting to stir a little. So I have a choice the elevator is coming do I climb on and pretend like I didn't hear the door open or do I peak my head in and ask for an early weekend. 4:32pm I make the safe call as the elevator door shuts and peak my head in and say hey boss I need off tomorrow...

needless to say happy mother fucking early weekend ass fucks!!!

I roll home and pull the shitty blue tarp off my motorcycle fire it up and wait for the get-along-gang to show up. We take us a good ride over around the lake and stroll back to town at like midnight which is a real surprise because one of the dick's mother won't let him ride at night, all I can say to that is he's like 35, what the fuck dude... We go straight to sonic were we watch an exhibition in eating, and I get distracted by all the pretty legs, short shorts and girl with the juicy ass on roller skates. After my friends get their guts full I go home and eat a can of beans and Sriracha sauce (I've given up fast food FYI), then we watched a sweet ass 80's possibly late 70's move called time rider about this dude that when into the old west on a dirt bike. It's worth the watch just for the twist at the end, Trust Me.

Do you even know how liberating it is to wake up on your couch covered in sweat with out having to set an alarm on a Friday morning? well to say the least it's pretty damn liberating. We had just left our bikes out the night before because we were going to be getting right back on them when everyone woke up. we took the scenic route north to the Honda Shop where one buddy spent 3 hours picking out a silver helmet and the other one who "doesn't want women in his life" spent his time talking to women just enough to shoot me and our other buddy in the dick. We hop back on our bikes for another 150 miles of being lost in the knobs region of the Kentucky country side. We ride like wild men making our way back to the approved route to my favorite hotdog place in the world, where I gorge myself on chili cheese coney dogs and Ale 8's, and quickly wished I hadn't when I got back on my bike. At this point we part ways with dick shooter, and my other buddy and myself make our way toward home before I shit myself. We stopped for gas at the mid way point between hot dogs and home, I stroll into the gas station to see the most beautiful redhead I ever set eyes on, I wanted her number but I wasn't sure I could get it in my current condition of swollen colon... we make it back home and part ways for the night, I start packing like a wild man.

I have my bags packed, and thrown in my pickup truck and I start blazing a trail north Cincinnati bound. I find out one thing on the way north I can't eat Titty cakes (snowball) anymore... I get there at like midnight, my buddy is down at the bar drunker than ten Indians and calls me while I'm drinking a new castle on his front porch to come pick him up. So I'm like "sure one beer why not" I roll in to the bar and he's a mess introduced me to some girl that neither of us knew and said that we should be lovers while her dude is staring me down and I was just kind of like "well if you're into that kind of thing" laughed and walked away. Then my drunken friend informs me that he has a great plan, lets go find his girl friend because she's parting with a bunch of other women, I was a little skeptic but I agreed to go on this wild goose chase anyway so it's really all my fault. We squeeze into my tiny truck and he's passing out yelling "Petersburg!!!" and I have no fucking idea where Petersburg is. He gives me one direction at a time and passes out for a few seconds and we repeat. We ended up at a train yard, an extremely dark apartment complex on a hill, petersburg road next to the airport, blew through a road closed sign, the creation museum, Indiana, and downtown cincy... At one point he's on his phone and I'm not aware of this, all I hear is "Hey!!!" then whispers "you want to fool around tonight" and I'm like "what the fuck dude, I mean for god sake where next to the creation museum!!!" not that it makes a difference just saying... At this point we left the bar at midnight and it's approaching 4am. I made the choice to pull the plug on the quest for the golden goose so we rolled home... on a side note at one point I farted and he almost got sick yelling "ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN, ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN!!!" and I was all like "I CAN'T DUDE IT'S CRANK YOU GOTTA DO IT" so there was that... to say the least it was a weird night...

Dream One:

I laid down to sleep and spent a couple hours on some shitty dating websites and then I drifted off to sleep to dream about my buddy committing industrial espionage and he got caught, I was with him to clean out his office. The police ended up escorting him out and I knew the cop some how because he was talking about something me and him had did. I hopped on my motorcycle in the dream and ended up getting held back by a police road block. Some how I ended up in Key West, it was starting to come a storm and all my buddies were there on the beach next to a building hanging out. I looked to the south at the very end of the beach and through the storm clouds I could see the most beautiful sun set, I had this powerful urge to go toward it. my buddies and other people where yelling at me to come back but I couldn't I had my camera walking towards it I passed through some empty event tents as the storm continued to get worse waves were crashing up over the end of the beach. I passed through one more event tent where there was a cute kind of pail blacked haired girl, we smiled at each other and she didn't try to stop me as I continued on my way. I was in the process of taking a picture when a wave over took me, I fell to the ground and looked up as another bigger wave crashed in and washed me out to sea and I was drowning. As I took my last breath I woke up...

I rolled out of bed at about 8am after feeling weird from that dream for a bit, took the coldest shower of my life because my buddies hot water heater wasn't working, and walked down stairs to wait on our ride to etown for a photo shoot with his new born son.

We got back home late in the evening and started pounding the drinks playing catch up. We all but sprinted down the back alleys to get to the bar. rolled in like VIPs because we were. We met up with a weird group of girls that we know, I stole a cigarette from the old one (I don't smoke) and I made one of the young ones light it. this is the part of the night were I become sophisticated 70's bad ass drunk, I have a cigarette hanging out of my mouth marching through the crowds to find empty space then I stand up strait and grasp the cigarette between my thumb and middle finger and make a lot of hand jesters and think about the night air blowing through my hair and look over the rail into the river and think about stuff, it doesn't last long... The next phase is drunken drool baby, that point in the night where your body wants you to throw up because your system doesn't think it can handle any more (but it can), I have a pool of spit in my mouth and I walk back to the rail to spit it into the river and this dude is staring me down like "you good dude" I reply with a fist pound and a "fuck yea dude". Next comes breaking the seal, I kept going back and fourth to the men's room and the line kept getting longer and longer, The Men's Room... what the fuck... well after the seconds trip I leave the bar walk to the top of the hill and turn around and face the bar and take a majestic piss for the world to see, it felt like something out of the damn lion king. next comes the Hey Girl! phase I don't care who or what I'm talking to but I'm going to talk to something, and someone usually gets offended, this night was no different. I walk up to one of the weird girls I kind of don't know and there was a half of an empty stool behind her ass, well in my drunkenness I miss judged the shape and size of my ass and pushed her the rest of the way off the stool, she wasn't happy... but I was... The next phase was a new one for me it's called the free refill, I was making my way around the bar and I had a wet burp of nothing but rum and it went back in my cup, I drank it... it's not like it was chunky or something. The last bar phase is called Last Call, by this time my buddy's ol lady was there to pick us up... you find anyone with out a dude on her arm and see what happens, that kind of threw out the older lady in the beautiful blue dress... I staggered up to this attractive dark complected girl wearing yellow pants, I'm sure it didn't go this way in real life but the way I remember it I walked up leaned up against the rail real suave like, ask her if she was having a good night, I put my hand next to her face, caress it, and gave her a sweat little kiss on the cheek all after throwing up in my cup... then one of her ugly friends rips her away and they make a break for a waiting taxi, and I'm cursing every breath... 

now for the bonus phase "well it's over... or is it???" We go to the market next to my buddy's house and I see this older women with a big tattoo on her chest I ask to see it and she lets me and I start poking at it, and calling her Ruby because she has a big Ruby right above her tits. she says kind of white trash like "my name ain't Ruby, ass." and I yell "well tell your Ruby that, Ruby HA HA HA" then my buddy picks up a pack of bologna tosses it at me and I pick up biscuits and a Colt 45. I walk up front and check out with "Ruby" and we roll out. I get home and take one drink out of my Colt 45 and pass out...

Dream 2

After I passed out I dreamed that me and buddy lived in the Sanford and son house, and there was these two hot girls that came over one was a petite and the other was a very cute blond, I picked the little one up and sit her on the porch rail, I smiled at her and she smiled back at me with the warmest smile I've ever felt, I then started making out with her, then I pick her up and start walking away with her in my arms, the other girl comes with us and she pulls her shirt up for me to fill her tits and she looks at me and says the small girl is pregnant and that no one has did anything with her since she found out, I start finger banging her while we're walking. After that I end up back at the house with my buddy and my family is on the porch and this petite Asian girl I met last week is coming down the street with some people and my dad goes crazy and my grand mother starts yelling look at all the Indians, while I'm trying to quite her down. Then a hot older neighbor lets her dogs out while I'm sitting with my buddy's dog and the dogs start fighting and I break them up. a German Shepard is running loose with a chain dragging behind it and it knocks over a grill and some how lights a fire. I run around like crazy putting the fire out. when I finely I get the fire put out, I walk back to the house and there are a bunch of dudes from IT and my buddy's community sitting on the porch and then I walk in the house, sit down on the couch and that's the point I wake up. Odd stuff yet again... And I'm about 100% sure I finger banged my buddy's dog's jaws... Just saying... Also made me need a lady friend in the worst way, the dream not dog jaws...

So my buddy and myself cat nap like half the day until I discover the bologna and biscuits, I'm pretty sure my pee pee sneezed a little when I found them. needless to say we ate like kings... He comes walking back through the house saying "there are three signs that we had a good night" I ask "what are they" he holds up a can of Colt 45 with one drink taken out of it, a 95% eaten tub of spinach artichoke dip with a pork skin sticking out of it and 14 glasses between the two of us...

It was a great three day weekend...