needless to say happy mother fucking early weekend ass fucks!!!
I roll home and pull the shitty blue tarp off my motorcycle fire it up and wait for the get-along-gang to show up. We take us a good ride over around the lake and stroll back to town at like midnight which is a real surprise because one of the dick's mother won't let him ride at night, all I can say to that is he's like 35, what the fuck dude... We go straight to sonic were we watch an exhibition in eating, and I get distracted by all the pretty legs, short shorts and girl with the juicy ass on roller skates. After my friends get their guts full I go home and eat a can of beans and Sriracha sauce (I've given up fast food FYI), then we watched a sweet ass 80's possibly late 70's move called time rider about this dude that when into the old west on a dirt bike. It's worth the watch just for the twist at the end, Trust Me.
Do you even know how liberating it is to wake up on your couch covered in sweat with out having to set an alarm on a Friday morning? well to say the least it's pretty damn liberating. We had just left our bikes out the night before because we were going to be getting right back on them when everyone woke up. we took the scenic route north to the Honda Shop where one buddy spent 3 hours picking out a silver helmet and the other one who "doesn't want women in his life" spent his time talking to women just enough to shoot me and our other buddy in the dick. We hop back on our bikes for another 150 miles of being lost in the knobs region of the Kentucky country side. We ride like wild men making our way back to the approved route to my favorite hotdog place in the world, where I gorge myself on chili cheese coney dogs and Ale 8's, and quickly wished I hadn't when I got back on my bike. At this point we part ways with dick shooter, and my other buddy and myself make our way toward home before I shit myself. We stopped for gas at the mid way point between hot dogs and home, I stroll into the gas station to see the most beautiful redhead I ever set eyes on, I wanted her number but I wasn't sure I could get it in my current condition of swollen colon... we make it back home and part ways for the night, I start packing like a wild man.
I have my bags packed, and thrown in my pickup truck and I start blazing a trail north Cincinnati bound. I find out one thing on the way north I can't eat Titty cakes (snowball) anymore... I get there at like midnight, my buddy is down at the bar drunker than ten Indians and calls me while I'm drinking a new castle on his front porch to come pick him up. So I'm like "sure one beer why not" I roll in to the bar and he's a mess introduced me to some girl that neither of us knew and said that we should be lovers while her dude is staring me down and I was just kind of like "well if you're into that kind of thing" laughed and walked away. Then my drunken friend informs me that he has a great plan, lets go find his girl friend because she's parting with a bunch of other women, I was a little skeptic but I agreed to go on this wild goose chase anyway so it's really all my fault. We squeeze into my tiny truck and he's passing out yelling "Petersburg!!!" and I have no fucking idea where Petersburg is. He gives me one direction at a time and passes out for a few seconds and we repeat. We ended up at a train yard, an extremely dark apartment complex on a hill, petersburg road next to the airport, blew through a road closed sign, the creation museum, Indiana, and downtown cincy... At one point he's on his phone and I'm not aware of this, all I hear is "Hey!!!" then whispers "you want to fool around tonight" and I'm like "what the fuck dude, I mean for god sake where next to the creation museum!!!" not that it makes a difference just saying... At this point we left the bar at midnight and it's approaching 4am. I made the choice to pull the plug on the quest for the golden goose so we rolled home... on a side note at one point I farted and he almost got sick yelling "ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN, ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN!!!" and I was all like "I CAN'T DUDE IT'S CRANK YOU GOTTA DO IT" so there was that... to say the least it was a weird night...
Dream One:
I laid down to sleep and spent a couple hours on some shitty dating websites and then I drifted off to sleep to dream about my buddy committing industrial espionage and he got caught, I was with him to clean out his office. The police ended up escorting him out and I knew the cop some how because he was talking about something me and him had did. I hopped on my motorcycle in the dream and ended up getting held back by a police road block. Some how I ended up in Key West, it was starting to come a storm and all my buddies were there on the beach next to a building hanging out. I looked to the south at the very end of the beach and through the storm clouds I could see the most beautiful sun set, I had this powerful urge to go toward it. my buddies and other people where yelling at me to come back but I couldn't I had my camera walking towards it I passed through some empty event tents as the storm continued to get worse waves were crashing up over the end of the beach. I passed through one more event tent where there was a cute kind of pail blacked haired girl, we smiled at each other and she didn't try to stop me as I continued on my way. I was in the process of taking a picture when a wave over took me, I fell to the ground and looked up as another bigger wave crashed in and washed me out to sea and I was drowning. As I took my last breath I woke up...
I rolled out of bed at about 8am after feeling weird from that dream for a bit, took the coldest shower of my life because my buddies hot water heater wasn't working, and walked down stairs to wait on our ride to etown for a photo shoot with his new born son.
We got back home late in the evening and started pounding the drinks playing catch up. We all but sprinted down the back alleys to get to the bar. rolled in like VIPs because we were. We met up with a weird group of girls that we know, I stole a cigarette from the old one (I don't smoke) and I made one of the young ones light it. this is the part of the night were I become sophisticated 70's bad ass drunk, I have a cigarette hanging out of my mouth marching through the crowds to find empty space then I stand up strait and grasp the cigarette between my thumb and middle finger and make a lot of hand jesters and think about the night air blowing through my hair and look over the rail into the river and think about stuff, it doesn't last long... The next phase is drunken drool baby, that point in the night where your body wants you to throw up because your system doesn't think it can handle any more (but it can), I have a pool of spit in my mouth and I walk back to the rail to spit it into the river and this dude is staring me down like "you good dude" I reply with a fist pound and a "fuck yea dude". Next comes breaking the seal, I kept going back and fourth to the men's room and the line kept getting longer and longer, The Men's Room... what the fuck... well after the seconds trip I leave the bar walk to the top of the hill and turn around and face the bar and take a majestic piss for the world to see, it felt like something out of the damn lion king. next comes the Hey Girl! phase I don't care who or what I'm talking to but I'm going to talk to something, and someone usually gets offended, this night was no different. I walk up to one of the weird girls I kind of don't know and there was a half of an empty stool behind her ass, well in my drunkenness I miss judged the shape and size of my ass and pushed her the rest of the way off the stool, she wasn't happy... but I was... The next phase was a new one for me it's called the free refill, I was making my way around the bar and I had a wet burp of nothing but rum and it went back in my cup, I drank it... it's not like it was chunky or something. The last bar phase is called Last Call, by this time my buddy's ol lady was there to pick us up... you find anyone with out a dude on her arm and see what happens, that kind of threw out the older lady in the beautiful blue dress... I staggered up to this attractive dark complected girl wearing yellow pants, I'm sure it didn't go this way in real life but the way I remember it I walked up leaned up against the rail real suave like, ask her if she was having a good night, I put my hand next to her face, caress it, and gave her a sweat little kiss on the cheek all after throwing up in my cup... then one of her ugly friends rips her away and they make a break for a waiting taxi, and I'm cursing every breath...
now for the bonus phase "well it's over... or is it???" We go to the market next to my buddy's house and I see this older women with a big tattoo on her chest I ask to see it and she lets me and I start poking at it, and calling her Ruby because she has a big Ruby right above her tits. she says kind of white trash like "my name ain't Ruby, ass." and I yell "well tell your Ruby that, Ruby HA HA HA" then my buddy picks up a pack of bologna tosses it at me and I pick up biscuits and a Colt 45. I walk up front and check out with "Ruby" and we roll out. I get home and take one drink out of my Colt 45 and pass out...
Dream 2
After I passed out I dreamed that me and buddy lived in the Sanford and son house, and there was these two hot girls that came over one was a petite and the other was a very cute blond, I picked the little one up and sit her on the porch rail, I smiled at her and she smiled back at me with the warmest smile I've ever felt, I then started making out with her, then I pick her up and start walking away with her in my arms, the other girl comes with us and she pulls her shirt up for me to fill her tits and she looks at me and says the small girl is pregnant and that no one has did anything with her since she found out, I start finger banging her while we're walking. After that I end up back at the house with my buddy and my family is on the porch and this petite Asian girl I met last week is coming down the street with some people and my dad goes crazy and my grand mother starts yelling look at all the Indians, while I'm trying to quite her down. Then a hot older neighbor lets her dogs out while I'm sitting with my buddy's dog and the dogs start fighting and I break them up. a German Shepard is running loose with a chain dragging behind it and it knocks over a grill and some how lights a fire. I run around like crazy putting the fire out. when I finely I get the fire put out, I walk back to the house and there are a bunch of dudes from IT and my buddy's community sitting on the porch and then I walk in the house, sit down on the couch and that's the point I wake up. Odd stuff yet again... And I'm about 100% sure I finger banged my buddy's dog's jaws... Just saying... Also made me need a lady friend in the worst way, the dream not dog jaws...
So my buddy and myself cat nap like half the day until I discover the bologna and biscuits, I'm pretty sure my pee pee sneezed a little when I found them. needless to say we ate like kings... He comes walking back through the house saying "there are three signs that we had a good night" I ask "what are they" he holds up a can of Colt 45 with one drink taken out of it, a 95% eaten tub of spinach artichoke dip with a pork skin sticking out of it and 14 glasses between the two of us...
It was a great three day weekend...
