Lake House Part Deux Visit

I had been down a couple visiting some friends in SC, as I was about to leave my buddy calls me and ask if I could come to TN for a few days. So like any red blooded American I call in to work, and drive across the southern half of the blue ridge parkway and meet up for a few days, Kind of scope the place out for a bit. then my buddy tells me that he's gonna try and have a get together for a weekend. we start hatching this plan... He's going to invite mostly couples, myself, and this girl that I've liked for a long time. All I have to do is catch a ride with her close to my home and plant some seeds... A couple days go by and I end up talking to the girl that I like and I ask her if I can hitch hike south with her for that weekend, and she's all about it. Not gonna lie I just kind of walked blindly into it. A few things you have to understand about this chick is she really doesn't talk much, she's pretty socially awkward most of the time, she's sort of mean when you first meet her. Truth be told I wasn't even sure why I liked her, well other than we act just alike. As the trip approaches I'm kind of starting to wonder if maybe this was a mistake. 3+ hour drive, what are we gonna chat about, is it going to be a trip full of silence??? I mean obliviously I knew I was going to have to take the bull by the horns here. So I'm on my way to our meeting spot and I really don't want to get there early because I'm parking in a neighbor hood next to my buddy's brother's house and it's like 1am people will think I'm casing the place or something... So I'm taking my sweet time like driving miss Daisy sweet time, and I still beat her there by like 20 minutes. She shows up and like Jumps out of the car just bouncing off the fucking wall, I guess she was excited... So I pile all my shit in her car and we start with the small talk. We talk about anything and everything. She told me how she bought candy and Christmas ornaments for the elderly people where she works, she told me about each and everyone of her dogs, She told me a few of the crazy things that's happen to her. I mean we talked the whole trip and there may have been a minute and a half worth of silence the whole ride. Not gonna lie I was loving it. so we're almost to where we're going I mean like maybe a half mile from the house and it's maybe 4am by this point, my buddy calls. Him: "hey dude where you at?" Me: "dude... Took a wrong turn... I'm close to (whereever)" Him: "you're shitting me..." Me: "I wish I were dude..." His ol lady: (in the back ground) "what! WHAT! HAND ME THAT FUCKING PHONE!!!" Me: "heyyyyyy" His Ol lady: "don't you fucking heyyyyy me, where the fuck are you!!!" Me: "I told ya I got turned around" His Ol lady: (talking to the girl I'm with) "hey there sweetie did you guys stop to eat or something cause it's ok if you did I'm just wondering???" Girl with me: "No... We Just got lost..." His Ol lady: "give the pone back to him..." His Ol lady: "are you a retared fuck?!?!" Me: (as I'm opening the back door) "really... You have to call my education out..." His Ol lady: "fuck you..." So we walk straight to the kitchen sit down at the island and start poring drinks. We're all making fun of my buddy's ol lady from going from 0 to 60 and flying off the damn handle so quick. Before I know it the Suns coming up and I need sleep, I'd already been up like 36 hours or something... the next day we all wake up and the girls all go wine tasting, my buddy is sick with the flu which I now have on a side now (thanks dick), and the other guy is face deep in his phone. So I decided to hook a projector up and watch some movies started out with some of the Rodger Moore bond classics, and shuter down with Frogs (a horror movie with more toads than frogs) the scariest part of that movie was seeing Sam Elliot without a mustache. The other dude there starts saying words like hoagie and cheese fries so we find like the only place that will drive out in the sticks to deliver any kind of food. I can't decide on which hoagie I want so I order two, I figured my buddy would want one anyway. I ended up giving him the ol sampler platter have western bbq half meatball. The girls all roll in about 8 or so, I'd been drinking since, well since I walked in the night before... My buddy had been napping, and the other guy was eating and saying words. they roll in with ping pong balls and a 20 pack of off brand solo cups that actually contained 19. Long story short I was gods gift to beer pong that night, I couldn't be beat, I even took my glasses off and I was still undefeated... after I kicked ass I watched the girl I'm into get on the floor and play with the young golden retriever that was there, not gonna lie, I'm into dog girls... I start doing this thing in my "monster truck arena" voice "Jason Voorhees, Molly Ringwald, Face the trouble of being a adolescent girl. In 16 candles!!!" So that was a think for a while, we just kind of went back and fourth with 80's movies because my buddy and myself are the only two old enough to remember 80's movies. As the night moves on people starting to dwindle down. the young ones when to bed early, followed by my sick buddy, so it's me the girl I like, and my buddy's ol lady still fighting the good fight playing some sort of Disney game, I'm putting in the good fight but I'm still getting my ass kicked, for the record I think it was a loaded game. about 3 times during this game the girl I like keeps saying things like "lets watch Spectre" "we're going to watch Spectre, right?" but she only says it loud enough for me to hear her and no one else. We moved on to rummy and the girl I like starts getting sort of odd it's like she's just trying to be like super annoying to my buddy's ol lady just so she'll go to bed, which to be honest I was all about, a little alone time never hurt anyone. So about 20 minutes of her being all annoying and she went to bed. I grab myself a glass of water and head for the couch and she's leaning over a stool in the kitchen, she looks up at me and in her sweetest little voice says "take a shot with me" in my mind I'm like "FUCK... DO I HAVE TO..." but it came out as "OOOOOOKKKKKKKK..." Pineapple coconut rum... Between the this point and the 5 minutes earlier that my buddy's ol lady went to bed her attitude completely changed, she's dancing around all happy not annoying at all, more just pleasant to be around. she brings out this Ecig thing I've never tried it, she's never tried it, so we tried it. It wasn't bad tasted kind of like burnt marshmallows. Here is a fun fact for everyone when I can blow smoke rings I have to be totally fucked up, so I was sitting there blowing smoke ring after smoke ring completely messed up and she looks over and says "teach me?" and I'm all like "maybe..." I tried but I didn't have the words to describe it... so she keeps wondering around the room dancing and stuff, then she pulls up her shirt and says I really need to loose a few pound so I can wear this (what ever) that reveals her mid section, not gonna lie I was looking and it looked pretty flat already to me. She kind of looks at me for a minute and says like super quietly "miss money penny scheduled a masturbation session..." not gonna lie that caught me completely off guard FYI we're both like super into James Bond and my pee pee probably sneezed a little like the mind was willing but the body was shutting down kind of thing, and she keeps trying to get me to take more shots. I kind of feel like she was trying black me out for some reason... We all wake up the next day, I have a little hair of the dog (amaretto and hot chocolate) personally I feel like there are a few drinks which qualify as a good breakfast drink (mimosas, bloody Marys, amaretto & chocolate, and tequila but only if there are biscuits and gravy involved...) everyone is having breakfast when I walk in and I ask my buddy's ol lady if she put amaretto in those pancakes, of course she didn't... so I made this Amaretto and syrup concoction, that was amazing. I finish eating and we pack up. we're on our way north and we don't really say much for the first 20 minutes or so, I think it's because we're both worn out, but I start thinking I'm not going to waste this opportunity so I start talking to her about her plans in school and what she plans to do after that, so we're back to chatting it up, we talk about some of our worst fears (most of them being pretty much the same), we talked about traveling abroad, we talked about the bond movies. We pulled over at maybe one of the worst K-marts in America I do believe. she had to go to the bathroom and ask if I would go to the K-mart and we go in the store I'm in there maybe 2 minutes and I've been hit on 4 times, I've saw 5 people with a neck tattoo, a woman ran into me on purpose trying to pic pocket me, I walk out front and stand there for a moment and I watch a woman stealing things in her hoodie, and a man with a pug in lepord skins walks up and grunts at me "do you work here", and the girl I'm with can't seem to find a working bath room so she has to go in a men's room in the back she later tells me. so I'm thinking "lets get the fuck out of here" I get to the car and I find a whole book of like medical cards and shit someone has dropped so I had to walk that back in the store and the guy I handed it too acted like he had just won the lottery for some reason. It was weird to say the lest. so we're back on the interstate and we're talking about bonnaroo and how kick ass it would be if Tom Jones was there as a headliner, so now we're having a Tom Jones power hour and I start telling them about that cult bus from last year, by this time we're almost back to my truck and we have to go a little farther north to catch Spectre. we get there and their making us pic our seat as we buy our ticket, and I thought that was the weirdest damn thing, but we rolled in and they had reclining chairs with foot rest on them, it was pretty damn legit. I could tell that her and myself were the to most excited people in the room, she couldn't sit still and I couldn't stop ginning. Spectre was fucking fantastic for the record, especially with my specially smuggled in Twizzlers... The movies over and we're heading out, she thanks me for watching Spectre with her, I think her in return and she keeps smiling at me as we're leaving and we part ways for the night. "Jason Voorhees, meets Bill Murry. In Stripes!!!" "Jason Voorhees, cuts a rug with Kevin Bacon in Foot Loose!!!" "Jason Voorhees, Faces he toughest opponent yet in wrestle mania III, better watch out hulk Hogan!!!" "Jason Voorhees, finds himself among some other misunderstood youth in the breakfast club!!!" "Jason Voorhees, and Robin Leach, exploring the lifestyles of the rich and famous!!! "Jason Voorhees, and Rodger Moore, find more than they bargain for when they meet Grace Jones in A View To A kill!!! Voorhees, Jason Voorhees... You're welcome....

One More Day Of...

One more day of…

One more day of beer in my hammock.

One more day of being a brother who has no siblings.

One more day of thinking out loud.

One more day of wasteful star gazing.

One more day of Jesus is waiting.

One more day of hearing this song on repeat.

One more day of hearing that frog croak.

One more day of you liking my Instagram.

One more day of echoing through the darkness.

One more day of thinking maybe tomorrow.

One more day of forgetting to be your lover.

One more day of not being sorry.

One more day of…

The Accident

He or rather his body was lying covered with a thin white sheet on the shoulder of the road. A pair of boots sat on the highway some 300 feet from where he came to rest. He spent his last few hours of life volunteering at a retirement home. I keep thinking about how quickly his life came to a halt, one moment he was doing his daily motions and the next he's laying motionless on the pavement. I drove by the accident and I already knew what had happen. I saw him there every morning waiting the cross the three lanes of traffic on my way to work, and I knew it was him under the thin white sheet. I drove past the scene again this morning I saw spray paint and blood all over the highway. It was an odd feeling to know that a man had died there less than 24 hours prior.

I've been in a really weird mood since late last night, this sense of mortality has over taken my mind. The thought of live being nothing but the blink of an eye has me terrified. Terrified is no way to life a life of any sort. It's kind of odd to even say this but as terrifying as it is to think your life could be over in a matter of seconds there's another side to it that's oddly comforting to know we get to experience something so fragile.

I watched Bicentennial Man tonight and that honestly didn't help in the least, love that movie though...

well that's about all the thoughts I can put together before I pass out tonight.

Light Speed and Communications

Some where I read that as you approach light speed things start to go in slow motion because nothing can go faster than the speed of light. So what happens to communications? Sound travels at 761MPH, so what happens to sound at the speed of light does it become muffled and what if you speak in the opposite direction that you're traveling in is it normal again? What about the data traveling through cables? do the electrons slow down, does the information even make it to it's destination?

Just some thoughts...

New Years 2012

I found myself down next to the river at Jefferson Hall, my buddy, his uncle, his uncle's friend, and myself are standing outside the small Hindu ran liquor store. We we're going to purchase some street booze until my buddy figured out that his wallet had fallen out of his jacket pocket and was most likely laying somewhere down a dark alley where we knew it was being fondled, fingered and downright molested by hood rats... I take to one side of the street and my buddy takes to the other side and we're doing the best we can retracing ourselves in a stumbling stupor, as I hear him cussing as he's just lost his entire New Year’s paycheck. Next thing I know I'm looking down this alley and there are twenty dollar bills scattered everywhere, and a brown leather wallet laying in a pothole... Our recovery mission just turned into an Easter egg hunt, I'm snatching up twenties, he's snatching up twenties, when it's said and done we've got a whole stack of twenties, some 260 dollars’ worth to be exact. Not a single one went missing that night and his wallet didn't end up having aids...

We work our way back to the Calcutta booze, tobacco, beef jerky temple (why would a Hindu place sell beef jerky???), where the other two guys stayed. We go back in the store and pick out their finest pint of Jack Daniels. We've all gotten into this square circle and the bottle is making its rounds until there's nothing left. I can't speak for anyone else but I'm personally getting the whiskey spits by this point. We all stumble across the street and I'm eye balling this cop that's helping with traffic, I tend to get all paranoid when I'm drinking booze strait out of the bottle in public view...

So we make it PI free to Jefferson Hall and I'm rolling past the bouncer just kind of looking around since it's my first trip there. I'm here for two things, one to get boozed up, two to find myself some ladies, and boozed up is already taken care of. I do the ol "I'm gonna walk around the bar all nonchalant until I see something I like, then I'm going to creep her out" routine. I didn't notice anyone on the first round... But I know what I did see, the uncle's little friend was all over some Asian tranny, you know the kind that still had five o' clock shadow. I'm looking at my buddy saying "what the fuck is happening dude???" and he responds with "well, that "dude" looks better than his ol lady..." so now I'm just thinking "what the fuck..." By this time it's almost midnight and there are some pretty waitresses bringing around bottles of bubbly and solo cups (I was thinking it was awful damn nice of the bar to give us free bubbly). Then I turn my attention to Dick Clark and the ball drop, yell "HAPPY NEW YEARS", and make my rounds again.

So I'm stumbling around yelling every three to five seconds "HAPPY NEW YEARS" and these frat boys come up to me and start yelling "Zach Galifianakis!!!" and they ask me if they can have a picture with them. Well I end up doing a whole photo shoot parting ways soon. I do a whole revolution of the bar and end up out on the back patio where there is this woman who is asking me if I've ever felt a fake tit. I haven't, or at least didn't know it if I did. She looks at me and says "go ahead... feel it... give it a nice squeeze" so I give it a nice long feel and looking into her cocaine glazed eyes say "Well... I can't really appreciate them feeling them though a shirt..." so she tells me to put my hands under her shirt, no bra of course since she had fake perky tits, I stand there for a good few minutes anyway just kind of checking them out, like nipple location and, firmness. (*There will be a footnote about my thoughts on fake tits at the end of this story). Then the lady with the fake tits asks me if I had gotten my New Year’s kiss, and I told her no. She ends up calling four of her friends over and tells them that I didn't get my New Year’s kiss and they line up, and all four girls gives me one starting with ol fake tits herself. so I'm liking where this is going. I get this idea, why not single one out from the herd and see where it goes, no need to be a hero, I pick one of the girls more my speed. So I'm making out, and rubbing up on her, and all a sudden this Goldberg looking mother fucker throws her down into a bunch of bar stools and she's laying there bloody and broken, and he screams at me "GET THE FUCK OFF MY WOMEN!!!" I'm evaluating the situation, this guy has just broken his ol lady, he's a lot bigger than me, none of my buddies are anywhere to be found, and I'm pretty intoxicated. I better take my chances and just say a sorry, so I do and Goldberg is like "FUCK YOUR SORRY!!!!" So... New plan... I just turn around an order myself a drink, then it hits me, give this big son of a bitch time to cool off and I'll make a peace offering, I don't want this dude seeing me in a dark alley later that night. Five minutes or so goes by and I order a drink, the bartender hands it too me and I walk up to the dude doubling down drinks. I look at the guy motion him in to come closer to hear what I was going to say and I tell him "Hey dude, not gonna lie I'd be pretty pissed to if some hairy bastard was filling up my ol lady in front of me... so I'd like to tell you and her that I'm sorry and here's a drink for the trouble..." It worked... So rather than having a big angry fuck running into me after the bar closes I have a big intoxicated buddy to say hey too...

I'm walking around the bar searching for my buddies semi shaken up from my experience from that big angry fuck on the patio and I can't seem to find anyone. I go outside the bar and get a breath of fresh air, and I see these two asses I recognize talking to a cop on the purple people eater, so I didn't want any part of that. I start walking back towards the New Port side and I ran into this girl lurking in the shadows, and I start talking to her. Long story short she gave me her number so I could text her and go watch sunny in Philly with her naked, strange... but when in Rome you know... So here come the uncle and his friend and their noses are bleeding and their pretty much bloody and broken, I'm thinking "what the fuck..." So I ask them what happen and they go into this long drawn out story about how they were protecting my honor from those frat boys who had their picture taken with me. I'm thinking "protecting my honor???" I mean am I prom queen now??? They got their asses handed to them I can tell. I'm ready to go text ol girl and see where I need to watch sunny in Philly at, but I have to find my buddy first so I tell the uncle and the other guy to wait on me on the corner and don't move. I go looking for my buddy, I'm searching all around the river front for like 30 or 40 minutes and then I walk back up to the street and I see them lump of human sitting on the sidewalk sharing a pizza with a delivery guy. I keep looking at this dude and I find out that it's my buddy I've been looking for like a damn hour, so I walk up and I'm all "let me get some of that, dude!!!" I'm all hungry and sober as the Pope by this point, so I get him to his feet and we're ready to roll out. I go looking for the uncle and his friend and their nowhere to be fucking found. We make the executive decision to leave their sorry asses. We're about two steps from being in the car and on our way back to his house when his uncle calls and says he has some women waiting down next to the river. My buddy is a big dude and I've never seen this guy move so fast as after that phone call it's like his damn feet didn't even touch the ground, like he floated all the way back to the main drag...

I finely catch up with him and the other two and there is only one women down there and she's old as fuck and not like the well-aged old but like crazy cat lady old... "Why the fuck are we here???" so I pretty much lay the law down and tell everyone to get the fuck in the car it's close to 4 AM and everyone is tired and/or bleeding out of their face... I'm the DD because I'm soberest at this point, we all four climb in the car and as soon as I turn the key this assholes start screaming to the top of their lungs "WHITE CASTLES" and I'm thinking that's not a terrible idea. We pull into White Castles and we all roll in and I order my food and I watch my buddy order his and I hear "two sliders..." and I'm thinking "two sliders???" who the hell comes to White Castles for two sliders... but I really don't care at this point. I guide him back to the table sit my food down while he's harassing this little hood rat in there for the gold star she packed in. Everyone is kind of settled down so I go to the bath room. I walk out of the bathroom to see like 5 cops coming in every entrance, I'm thinking "holy shit balls, this son of a bitch is getting robbed" then I see the cops talking to the uncle and his friend and I hear them say "Ok dude... you guys have called 911 like 5 times tonight over the same fight, do it again and your whole crew goes to jail..." That's my final straw I walk over to my buddy and say "get the fuck in the car" at this point I really don't care about the uncle and his friend fuck them... but they follow. I've got this vision in my head of us all getting in the car and as soon as I pull out we get pulled over because of uncle ass fuck and his buddy... They all three start their shit in the back and I kind of fly off the handle for a minute and tell them to sit there and shut the fuck up, their all silent as church mice. I pull out all careful and this cop car passes me and wiping the sweat from my brow I'm feeling safe from a DUI again...

We make it back to the house and the uncle and his friend disappear into the night, good riddance... and I get to go to bed without having the breaks beat off of me, or getting a DUI, or watching sunny in Philly naked with a girl of the night. I lived to fight another day this round...

*My Thoughts On Fake Breast:

Honestly not my thing... the one's I felt were sort of boxy, and weren't soft like a breast should be, they felt more like a dry kitchen sponge. Maybe I have weird taste but I feel like a woman's breast should dangle a little, have some elasticity to them; every breast has its strong points if you know where to find that strong point.