New Years 2012

I found myself down next to the river at Jefferson Hall, my buddy, his uncle, his uncle's friend, and myself are standing outside the small Hindu ran liquor store. We we're going to purchase some street booze until my buddy figured out that his wallet had fallen out of his jacket pocket and was most likely laying somewhere down a dark alley where we knew it was being fondled, fingered and downright molested by hood rats... I take to one side of the street and my buddy takes to the other side and we're doing the best we can retracing ourselves in a stumbling stupor, as I hear him cussing as he's just lost his entire New Year’s paycheck. Next thing I know I'm looking down this alley and there are twenty dollar bills scattered everywhere, and a brown leather wallet laying in a pothole... Our recovery mission just turned into an Easter egg hunt, I'm snatching up twenties, he's snatching up twenties, when it's said and done we've got a whole stack of twenties, some 260 dollars’ worth to be exact. Not a single one went missing that night and his wallet didn't end up having aids...

We work our way back to the Calcutta booze, tobacco, beef jerky temple (why would a Hindu place sell beef jerky???), where the other two guys stayed. We go back in the store and pick out their finest pint of Jack Daniels. We've all gotten into this square circle and the bottle is making its rounds until there's nothing left. I can't speak for anyone else but I'm personally getting the whiskey spits by this point. We all stumble across the street and I'm eye balling this cop that's helping with traffic, I tend to get all paranoid when I'm drinking booze strait out of the bottle in public view...

So we make it PI free to Jefferson Hall and I'm rolling past the bouncer just kind of looking around since it's my first trip there. I'm here for two things, one to get boozed up, two to find myself some ladies, and boozed up is already taken care of. I do the ol "I'm gonna walk around the bar all nonchalant until I see something I like, then I'm going to creep her out" routine. I didn't notice anyone on the first round... But I know what I did see, the uncle's little friend was all over some Asian tranny, you know the kind that still had five o' clock shadow. I'm looking at my buddy saying "what the fuck is happening dude???" and he responds with "well, that "dude" looks better than his ol lady..." so now I'm just thinking "what the fuck..." By this time it's almost midnight and there are some pretty waitresses bringing around bottles of bubbly and solo cups (I was thinking it was awful damn nice of the bar to give us free bubbly). Then I turn my attention to Dick Clark and the ball drop, yell "HAPPY NEW YEARS", and make my rounds again.

So I'm stumbling around yelling every three to five seconds "HAPPY NEW YEARS" and these frat boys come up to me and start yelling "Zach Galifianakis!!!" and they ask me if they can have a picture with them. Well I end up doing a whole photo shoot parting ways soon. I do a whole revolution of the bar and end up out on the back patio where there is this woman who is asking me if I've ever felt a fake tit. I haven't, or at least didn't know it if I did. She looks at me and says "go ahead... feel it... give it a nice squeeze" so I give it a nice long feel and looking into her cocaine glazed eyes say "Well... I can't really appreciate them feeling them though a shirt..." so she tells me to put my hands under her shirt, no bra of course since she had fake perky tits, I stand there for a good few minutes anyway just kind of checking them out, like nipple location and, firmness. (*There will be a footnote about my thoughts on fake tits at the end of this story). Then the lady with the fake tits asks me if I had gotten my New Year’s kiss, and I told her no. She ends up calling four of her friends over and tells them that I didn't get my New Year’s kiss and they line up, and all four girls gives me one starting with ol fake tits herself. so I'm liking where this is going. I get this idea, why not single one out from the herd and see where it goes, no need to be a hero, I pick one of the girls more my speed. So I'm making out, and rubbing up on her, and all a sudden this Goldberg looking mother fucker throws her down into a bunch of bar stools and she's laying there bloody and broken, and he screams at me "GET THE FUCK OFF MY WOMEN!!!" I'm evaluating the situation, this guy has just broken his ol lady, he's a lot bigger than me, none of my buddies are anywhere to be found, and I'm pretty intoxicated. I better take my chances and just say a sorry, so I do and Goldberg is like "FUCK YOUR SORRY!!!!" So... New plan... I just turn around an order myself a drink, then it hits me, give this big son of a bitch time to cool off and I'll make a peace offering, I don't want this dude seeing me in a dark alley later that night. Five minutes or so goes by and I order a drink, the bartender hands it too me and I walk up to the dude doubling down drinks. I look at the guy motion him in to come closer to hear what I was going to say and I tell him "Hey dude, not gonna lie I'd be pretty pissed to if some hairy bastard was filling up my ol lady in front of me... so I'd like to tell you and her that I'm sorry and here's a drink for the trouble..." It worked... So rather than having a big angry fuck running into me after the bar closes I have a big intoxicated buddy to say hey too...

I'm walking around the bar searching for my buddies semi shaken up from my experience from that big angry fuck on the patio and I can't seem to find anyone. I go outside the bar and get a breath of fresh air, and I see these two asses I recognize talking to a cop on the purple people eater, so I didn't want any part of that. I start walking back towards the New Port side and I ran into this girl lurking in the shadows, and I start talking to her. Long story short she gave me her number so I could text her and go watch sunny in Philly with her naked, strange... but when in Rome you know... So here come the uncle and his friend and their noses are bleeding and their pretty much bloody and broken, I'm thinking "what the fuck..." So I ask them what happen and they go into this long drawn out story about how they were protecting my honor from those frat boys who had their picture taken with me. I'm thinking "protecting my honor???" I mean am I prom queen now??? They got their asses handed to them I can tell. I'm ready to go text ol girl and see where I need to watch sunny in Philly at, but I have to find my buddy first so I tell the uncle and the other guy to wait on me on the corner and don't move. I go looking for my buddy, I'm searching all around the river front for like 30 or 40 minutes and then I walk back up to the street and I see them lump of human sitting on the sidewalk sharing a pizza with a delivery guy. I keep looking at this dude and I find out that it's my buddy I've been looking for like a damn hour, so I walk up and I'm all "let me get some of that, dude!!!" I'm all hungry and sober as the Pope by this point, so I get him to his feet and we're ready to roll out. I go looking for the uncle and his friend and their nowhere to be fucking found. We make the executive decision to leave their sorry asses. We're about two steps from being in the car and on our way back to his house when his uncle calls and says he has some women waiting down next to the river. My buddy is a big dude and I've never seen this guy move so fast as after that phone call it's like his damn feet didn't even touch the ground, like he floated all the way back to the main drag...

I finely catch up with him and the other two and there is only one women down there and she's old as fuck and not like the well-aged old but like crazy cat lady old... "Why the fuck are we here???" so I pretty much lay the law down and tell everyone to get the fuck in the car it's close to 4 AM and everyone is tired and/or bleeding out of their face... I'm the DD because I'm soberest at this point, we all four climb in the car and as soon as I turn the key this assholes start screaming to the top of their lungs "WHITE CASTLES" and I'm thinking that's not a terrible idea. We pull into White Castles and we all roll in and I order my food and I watch my buddy order his and I hear "two sliders..." and I'm thinking "two sliders???" who the hell comes to White Castles for two sliders... but I really don't care at this point. I guide him back to the table sit my food down while he's harassing this little hood rat in there for the gold star she packed in. Everyone is kind of settled down so I go to the bath room. I walk out of the bathroom to see like 5 cops coming in every entrance, I'm thinking "holy shit balls, this son of a bitch is getting robbed" then I see the cops talking to the uncle and his friend and I hear them say "Ok dude... you guys have called 911 like 5 times tonight over the same fight, do it again and your whole crew goes to jail..." That's my final straw I walk over to my buddy and say "get the fuck in the car" at this point I really don't care about the uncle and his friend fuck them... but they follow. I've got this vision in my head of us all getting in the car and as soon as I pull out we get pulled over because of uncle ass fuck and his buddy... They all three start their shit in the back and I kind of fly off the handle for a minute and tell them to sit there and shut the fuck up, their all silent as church mice. I pull out all careful and this cop car passes me and wiping the sweat from my brow I'm feeling safe from a DUI again...

We make it back to the house and the uncle and his friend disappear into the night, good riddance... and I get to go to bed without having the breaks beat off of me, or getting a DUI, or watching sunny in Philly naked with a girl of the night. I lived to fight another day this round...

*My Thoughts On Fake Breast:

Honestly not my thing... the one's I felt were sort of boxy, and weren't soft like a breast should be, they felt more like a dry kitchen sponge. Maybe I have weird taste but I feel like a woman's breast should dangle a little, have some elasticity to them; every breast has its strong points if you know where to find that strong point.

Graduation / Santacon

I can finally say that I'm a college graduate... It almost felt like fate I've been in school for 11 years and Graduated from college on the last sequential date of this century, So in my mind I feel like the planets aligned and the heavens opened up when I walked the stage.

FRIDAY

Friday was a hell of a day, Santa for my coworkers children at the work Christmas party, rocked a little graduation practice, then I made an ass of myself at Bdubs. I was easily the loudest mouth in the room, not an easy task when you're competing with like 50 TV's at full volume and a jukebox going in the background. Personally I didn't give a fuck though because it was my night to celebrate. I ended up drinking like 15 beers and flirting with a ton of waitresses... Then I drunkenly walked next door to the movie theater and watched Exodus. So beer and religion went together pretty well...

I wake up at like 4AM and just turn on my Ultra Groove playlist on spotify (I might add a link at the bottom if I think about it later). I lie there until the sun is coming up and realize I haven't slept more than a few hours tops. so I finally get off of my couch and get ready and roll over to campus. I've been in school 11 long years and I keep thinking to myself I started kindergarten the same way as I ended my college career, in a line single file... It's a good feeling to think that I finally accomplished something that I've been aiming towards my whole life up to this point. I've missed one semester of school since 1991 and for the record no one ever told me it would take me 23 years to finish up. During the ceremony I kept zoning out and going through a list of things in my head, things that I've went through during the pursuit of this degree, like one failed marriage, several ex girlfriends, many women, a ton of friends, two homes, two Trucks, one blue heeler. Yea it was worth it I think.

SANTACON

So my family and myself rolled out to eat right after graduation, and then I rolled up to Cincinnati for Santacon. I was running late with graduation and dinner and all. I made it about the time everyone else was completely fucked up. I get to my buddy's house and change my clothing and became "Tropical Santa" (aka Jimmy Buffet Santa) I had my beach shirt on, with some garland wrapped around my neck, a huge dollar store Christmas ornament hanging from the garland, my large straw hat, and my sunglasses. So after I get dressed I'm trying to figure out where my people are. My buddy calls me at the very least 15 times and every time ask me to hold on as soon as I answer... then when he did returned he passed the phone away to other people and I kept hearing I love yous, and congratulations, and one of the girls told me she needed a Santa to be an elf for in a slightly slurred speech pattern. My buddy knows this cabbie who I had already called to pick me up. I'm thinking while I wait I'm going to pound some gin and play a little catch up, so I finished off a half bottle of gin that I found and I hear a horn blowing out front. when I get in the cap he ends up knowing more about where they're at than I do.

When I hoped out of the taxi everyone kept saying I was their favorite Santa and that I did a great job on my outfit, and the whole time I'm just thinking "hell yea, I just wanted to wear shorts and be comfortable in a big ass crowd" and believe it or not but I was still sweating my ass off. I get in the bar and everyone is chanting my name drunker than 10 Indians, and everyone and their mom are fighting to buy me a drink. I'm thinking a guy could get use to this kind of thing.

The first person my eyes meet up with is this newly wed girl that I've had the hots for for years, she runs up gives me a great big long ass hug in her short little velvet Mrs. Clause outfit, not gonna lie I was digging it. She grabs me by the hand pulling me though the crowd to the bar orders me a drink and gives me another great big hug. I glance back though the crowd and there was my buddy's ol lady being all white girl wasted. She weaving in her seat looking at the floor, then she looks up and sees me and parts the crowd for her own great big congratulatory hug, and she started handing me pocket candy canes, so I'm standing here in the bar licking candy canes trying to figure out if they have plastic on them or not... I'm sure it was an odd site to anyone watching, thinking we were licking some kind of weird toad type candy. After about 5 minutes I just say fuck it and throw them in my drink. I finally see my buddy sitting off to the side, He's drunker than 10 Indians, and he's trying to tell me something about my graduation present and how he has no idea what happen to it. I personally thought it was amazing that the zoo keeper (aka: Big Boobies McGee) showed up after I got drunk and accidentally/drunkenly kept feeling her up about a year ago (for the record I was really interested and I thought she was too). She actually bought me a couple drinks talked too me for like 20 minutes and ask me if one the pictures in the bar was a girl with her "O" face. Not gonna lie I thought that was awful damn classy of her. Then there was also one of the twins, the one that I saved from the creeper back last month sometime, she bought me some drinks as well. Some red headed dick was there as well, I didn't know this guy but he was moving in on my territory. He kept telling these dumb fuck jokes and tearing snowflakes off the bar room ceiling... My Buddy and myself turn our attentions to this penguin wearing Mrs. Clause, we're all chatting it up and my buddy leans over and whispers something too her and she gives us the finger and doesn't say another word (not actually sure what he said).   Needless to say I had enough booze in me to float a battle ship.

We rolled out to the next place which just happen to be a pizza place, I'm wondering around the place chatting it up with all the other Mrs. Clauses. My buddy ends up buying every slice of pizza that they have left and we mow though it, and his ol lady comes in for a bite of his pizza and gets denied well next thing I know I'm hearing the jaws music and shes about crust deep on my pizza...

Next thing I know we've crossed the river and we're on our way to another bar. we're all borderline messed up and it's only like 6, as in 6pm... The bar we're in starts playing that song fireball on repeat (a great marketing mimic now that I think about it) and my buddy's ol lady and the twin buy me some shots of fireball whiskey. This is the point in the night where I know things are about to get real. The twin leaves for a bit (later I found out she got sick) and this older woman comes up and starts dancing with me and my buddy's ol lady and she says "you guys just look like you're having soooooo much fun, I had to come and join!" we were having a pretty damn good time.We roll out to the patio and this is when things start to get right with the world, I've hit the drunken version of the singularity, Lost somewhere between god and man. I'm starting to bellow out Biz Markie - just a friend (because that's what a god/man would do of course). Everyone starts to join me with my drunken chorus. The Zoo Keeper ol dude and The Red Headed Dick show up out of the blue, while I'm telling some weird dude walking the streets to go fuck himself. The Twin ends up giving me a whole glass of what I thought was beer until I started drinking it. It turned out to be some hard cider which tasted like candy, and added fuel to the fire. The Red Headed Dick said something smart ass to me (or so I assume) and I ended up telling him that people who say those kinds of things back home end up going and fucking themselves... That dude didn't say a word to anyone the rest of the night. So after telling off The Red Headed Dick I'm stumbling down the street singing to the top of my lungs that Biz Markie song again, and I can here people chanting it behind me. I find this barrel laying on its side being used as a planter and I ended up yelling "watch me ride this bull" so there's a picture and possibly a video of that floating around... and I made the girls jump in the fountain (it was dry...)

On to the next bar, we roll in and I don't know if they never mop the floor or what be I've never been in there when I've not had to focus on keeping my damn loafers on. So I'm looking around and I see this short woman walking buy and I yell "HEY GIRL!!!" and she turns and looks at me and walks over to my buddy and myself. She's giving us both the "loopy sex me up" eye and she starts yelling at my buddy "SHUT UP AND FUCKING HOLD ME" then she looks at me and says "All of my men got put in jail tonight..." and to be completely honest I had no idea what that meant other than some people were serving jail time. Then she whispers something that I couldn't hear and she draws back and punches my buddy right in the face completely unsolicited to my knowledge. Then she turns to me and put her right hand on my man tit and her head old my chest and starts molesting me all soft like. Well when she gets finished she looks at me and says "Hey lets go the the bar that's in the back" and I'm all like "Ok, after you" I take three steps and do a 180 and step back up the bar. The bar starts to play Kid Cudi - pursuit of happiness (which I love) I start dancing and I see this short haired woman walk up and dance with some of my friends, so I've got this idea "Just move up on her and dance" so I did and her husband steps in... not gonna lie that dude absolutely loved me, I told him about the lady that punched my buddy and molested me and we we're automatic bros. Then we saw her stumbling back though the bar and we all start squealing like small children scared shitless of something. It was weird.

My buddy and myself walk out to the opening in between bars and I look back and see this strange woman again apparently she got kicked out of the bar and she was trying to get back in the side door of the bar. She's pulling really hard on the door and looses her grip and tumbles over some steps and she's just laying here on the walkway, and I'm thinking "should I check on her or should I keep walking" and before I finish the though I see her legs and arms go in the air and start twitching like some cockroach that got stunned under a shoe. I see the rest of our group and I start yelling "omg, look!!! look!!! look!!!" and they all give me high fives and don't realize what I'm even trying to get them to look at and where does she go when she's back to her feet??? straight for me and my buddy... So we took off running and got inside the next bar before she got to us...

So we're in the next bar and my buddy is ordering me a drink and we see this line of cougars. well the first one in the row makes eye contact and I hand her my large Christmas ornament and my buddy starts yelling "FEEL HIS BALL" and I yell "SHAKE IT SOFTLY" and all the cougars shake my ball while I'm making this god awful face... I glance over and I see The Read Headed Dick playing Golden Tee, FUCKING GOLDEN TEE... I mean why even come to the bar??? I guess I scared the hell out of him him when I told him to go fuck his self. I ended up wondering off to the patio for a breather, and then everyone else follows me outside. I get to watch a drunken rendition of Journey - Don't Stop Believin' with the choreography of my buddy's ol lady, then he burst though the door and called me Connie Chung, I really didn't know how to take that, still don't to be honest.

We finely decided to roll out, so we get in the taxi and my buddy's ol lady and the twin are yelling at the taxi driver to go though the drive though and he tells us its against policy, and I've personally never saw this before but my buddies ol lady gets so pissed off she blacks out and angerly sleeps to the next bar. While the twin is getting all angry from hunger pains. So we get to the next bar and my buddy and me roll in like a couple of rock stars straight to the bathroom, and his ol lady and the twin have to sit outside to catch their breath for like 30 minutes... They finally roll in, and my buddy and the twin get in a hat fight with my hat and my buddy flings it across the room and you would have though he just called my mom the biggest whore in town, I was flipping out "DAMN IT, GO GET MY HAT... GO GET MY HAT, ASS..." well some girl picks it up and says she's going to keep it and I ended up telling her you can because it's a family heirloom (yea my 2 buck goodwill hat is a family heirloom... my dad wore it when he crossed the border...) so she's freaking out going "OMG OMG, I'LL GIVE IT BACK IN A FEW MINUTES" so she does and when I get it back I lay it on the bar in front of me, the twin is looking at it really intently, then she says "omg I've got to fix your hat" and she starts reweaving the straw. So I'm sitting here watching this twin I'm really attracted too re-weave a dollar store hat... I was enamored with the process and couldn't look away until I noticed that my buddy's ol lady's head was face down into the bar top, then I started yell "SHE'S DOWN, SHE'S DOWN!!!" The twin and my buddy's ol lady tell me their leaving and I let them know I'll wait for my buddy, so they stumble out the bar while we pound a couple more drinks, then we leave like 10 minutes later. 

We're stumbling down back alleys, pissing on garage doors and singing/mumbling sea chanties. I look down and I see this strange colored cloth and I realize it's the twin's elf hat so I snatch it up and put it in my pocket. I feel like we're walking slow as molasses, and then in the darkness I see a thin elf and a onesie that looks like a Santa outfit... I'm thinking to myself "what the fuck..." there's no way we should have caught up with them... either we sprinted (which sure fucking didn't happen) or they fell face down in the alley for a while... So we're back at the house and I decided to be proactive and pour everyone a glass of water, well the twin doesn't want hers and my buddy's ol lady is too drunk to drink it, so I ended up drinking all three glasses. My buddy's ol lady is basically mumbling to the floor at this point so they go on to bed which leaves me and the twin in the kitchen. We chat it up for a bit, She tells me about her dog and such, and then she tells me she has to go and look at her as sober as the Pope and ask "You sure you're ok to drive, lady???" and she says she is, but I still kind of wondered. honestly I was hoping she would say and we could put in a movie or something but it didn't happen. I walk to the living room and put in trains, planes, and automobiles, I pass out by the end of the opening sequence. 

THE NEXT MORNING

So the next morning rolls around and I wake up on the couch as fresh as a daisy felling like a champion because I drank everyone's water the night before. I walk over to my buddies speakers and put on my Ultra Groove playlist and enjoy my morning with Al Green. My buddy and his ol lady get up a couple hours later and we all sit down and watch the Bengals play with my graduation present that didn't get misplaced, a bottle of my favorite booze in the world (Bird Dog Whiskey). we're mixing drinks and mixing drinks and mixing more drinks and before I realize we've drank and entire bottle of whiskey between the two of us just sitting in the floor watching football on a Sunday (aka: Sunday Funday). In the next 4-5 hours I run the gambit from drunk to sober to hungover, to ready to do it all again... I also have a graduation dinner at City Bbq somewhere during the hungover portion and I found a scarf and used it as a turban in the back seat of my buddy's ol lady's car... It was a good weekend.

GOING HOME

I sometimes roll out of my buddies house at 5am so I can make it back home and to work by 8am and this time was no different, other than I noticed that the river was a little calmer than usual, it was so still that you could see a perfect reflection of Cincinnati in the river, and it kind of reminded me of what a truly great life I live. I'm lucky to have a place like Ludlow to go hang out with friends and have misadventures, I'm lucky to see the river with that reflection of Cincinnati in it, I'm lucky to get to watch the sun come up over the AA Highway on my way home. I'm just a lucky dude in general....
 

Slow Down, Please, Just Slow Down

Bob Dylan is drifting

my life is skipping

over before it started

slow down, please, just slow down

Weeks turn into minutes

I can see it, but can't grasp it

slipping away like sand

slow down, please, just slow down

Time comes crushing down

the gears of eternity keep turning

no mercy, no remorse, just moments

slow down, please, just slow down

Blink and it's over

feel the caress of a memory

did it even happen, does it matter

slow down, please, just slow down

The soul is the only clock worth watching

a timepiece of mortality, wound too tight

loose a moment and it's lost forever

Slow down, please, just slow down

Suspended from now to the end

stuck in space and time

drifting like a seed in the wind

slow down, Please, just slow down

Memories have a half life

radiation fires from great events

years later the flashbacks will wither

slow down, please, just slow down

Surprise Party

So I'd known about this surprise birthday party for my buddy since about September. This weekend I drove north to see it though. Not gonna lie it might have been the worst planned event I've ever been a part of. We didn't know who was coming, there was no main dish, and there was no help setting up. So I ended up doing most of that myself, I kept thinking to myself you can't have a party with out food I mean what kind of world would that be... Even the third world countries have food when you stop by. I decided I would try my hand at chili and a sausage, cheese, and salsa dip. I take a little trip to the store and back and I spent the next  3 hours or so fixing food, I personally think the chili and the dip turned out great.

I wait around a few hours and people finely start showing up, there are about 6 people there when my buddy and his ol lady get back from the bourbon they went on, he walks in and you can tell that he's hammered down by the way he's speaking. we're all hiding in his bar room and we hear him mumble from the living room "what the fuck???" he sees the beer pong table set up, well he walks past it toward the bar room and we all yell weird random stuff at him I personally yelled "Steve Buscemi" don't ask me why because I don't know. We see his face come though the bar room doorway and he has this look on his face like he wants to punch us all in the face, I'm pretty sure we scared the hell out of him.

The party turned out very well, lots of people ended up showing up late, I guess there was about 12 or so people there, not bad considering no one does anything any more. I had a really old college friend show up at about 11:30 and everyone is yelling lets go to the bar. There's only five of use left at this point and my old college friend is driving this small ass car (always seems like she has a small ass car of some sort) we all squeeze in to this stumpy little car, it's my college friend, my buddy, his ol lady, one of her friends (skinny chick, thank god), and me. It's my buddy, skinny, and me in the back seat I'm about a foot shorter than my buddy and I've got my head turned sideways just to be able to sit in the back seat, and poor little skinny is squished between me and him, I feel like mine and his shoulders were touching and she was just about to pop out from in between us like some sort of cartoon character. If there would have been an accident I don't think any of use would have moved an inch. So I over hear skinny saying that she almost got arrested the other day because some dude pulled his pants off in her car, and I'm thinking that's just a weird ass story I don't say much at the time. We're driving along and my college friend has to use the bathroom and my buddy jumps up front when his ol lady gets out, and skinny is going though her wallet and she says "oh god, if I don't have my wallet you're going to sit in the car with me, right???" talking to me, and I respond with a "I don't know, you might try to take your pants off like you did the other night and we might get arrested" and she gave me a little slap and grinned and said "that wasn't me..."

We finely find a parking spot down the road from the bar. My buddy's ol lady and skinny take off running toward the bar, and the rest of us kind of walk slowly there. We get there and my old college friend says she has a friend coming and we're all like "okay". I'm standing there as sober as the pope and my college friend's friend comes in rolling with a bunch of tugs, she comes over and introduces herself, I don't remember her name and honestly I don't care to remember it.

I'm standing in the back of the room just fighting to stay awake because I'm getting kind of tired at this point, and out of the corner of my eye I see this dude walk up to skinny. I really wouldn't have thought anything of it if he hadn't been holding his head so strangely, he had his chin buried into his left solder just starring down at her and I'm thinking "if this jackwagon was a horse someone would have put him down by now..." I'm starting to tune out the music and other people just to watch this show. The dude starts getting closer and closer to her, and I can tell from just watching her body language that she's weird'ed the hell out, but she's in no danger we're all standing there so it's really more of a show at this point. The whole time the werido is on skinny my old college friend is putting full court press on me, trying to bump and grind I assume, and I'm just not feeling it, as a matter of fact I've never felt it, and we've had that same damn talk time and time again, it's actually pretty annoying. Eventually my college friend walks away to talk to her friend, and my buddy wanders over behind her and looks at her friend and points at me and I'm thinking "what the hell is he saying now". A few minutes later my colleges friend's friend wonders over to me and with out missing a beat says "your friend says you have a dick the size of a pringles can and that you'd really like to eat me out, dude..." and that kind of caught me off guard to say the lest and I said "is that what he told you???" and I look over and that ass is cracking up. So this whole two minutes I'm standing next to a glass garage door next to an outdoor patio, she kicks her high heels off and says "I don't think you could handle me dude" and then she starts climbing the garage door with me between her and it, and I'm standing there thinking "what the fuck is happening here" well she falls off the garage door and I say "yea I think you're right I couldn't handle you" and she did some kind of werid ass hip movement and walks away.

I'm back on the weirdo and skinny now, she had gotten up to go the rest room and the guy followed her, and I kept thinking how strange that was to me, then another girl is trying to talk to him and he pushes her away and says something to the affect of "get away!!! this is the girl I want" and takes his hand and pushes her away, and turns to skinny and gets about three inches from her face and starts saying something about somethings that happen to him in the military, I'm thinking "damn, we've got Gomer from full metal jacket here..." I'm starting to get a little concerned at this point because the dude is acting so strange and he's gotten one of his buddies over there with him at this point. My college friend keeps putting full court press on me and I keep trying to let her down gently but she's not taking the hint. One of the dudes that works there yells "Time to go people!!!" and I'm thinking "it's about damn time, thank god..." So skinny and myself are the first two out of the bar, we're waiting on everyone else, and we see that creepy ass guy coming out. She looks at me and says in a terrified voice "put your arms around me" so I wrap my arms around her and she's acting like she's all about me. The creepy guy walks up to us and gets about two feet away (well within our space bubble) and I look at the guy and say something to the affect of "can I help you with something Junior?" (in my most dry north easterner voice) he lets out a soft mumble and lurks off into the shadows of an alley, I'm fairly sure that the guy kept watching us as well which makes it even more creepy. Then right on que here comes my buddy and his ol lady, and we're all talking about how weird that creepy ass dude dude was. A few minutes latter I'm asking "where the fuck is ol girl (my old college friend)" and here she comes out of the bar saying good buy to her trashy ass friend. On the walk back to the car my old college friend insist that we link arms and walk like the wizard of oz, I'm all like "nah I'm good" she just keeps pulling the whole lovey dovy thing...

We make it back to the house and my old college friend is talking about how she's going to get a road dog (drink to go) and go ahead and leave, she walks in the house and pours a whole solo cup of Redstag (cinnamon whiskey)  and I'm thinking "here we fucking go".

Me: "You're gonna take a full cup of whiskey???"
Her: "Well she doesn't fucking care!!! (looking at my buddy's ol lady)"
Me: "Let that poor girl eat her damn cheese stick..."
Her: "Walk me to my car???"
Me: "Lets go lady..."

So I walk her outside and it becomes a "my life sucks and I can't do anything about it" party... Personally I'm from the school of "if you don't like it fuck it..." so it's really a drain on me to hear bullshit of this caliber, but I listen for a few because she's my friend. A few minutes in I ask her if I can have a drink out of her solo cup and as soon as it touches my hands I just pore it out on the pavement. Another ten minutes of bullshit and tell her I've got to go in, so we part ways.

I walk back in the house all the lights are off everyone is making their way to bed and I was all like "Fuck... Me..." all I really wanted to do was have a night cap and sit around and review the evening but that didn't happen... So I drag myself up stairs into "my room" and I notice the door is open to the room adjoining mine, and skinny is in there changing, so I sit down on the bed for a moment, and she peeks her head in my room and we chat for a moment:

Her: "Thank you so much for what you did for me tonight"
Me: "No problem but you owe me now, lady..."
Her: "Okay... giggle... Goodnight"
Me: "Night Lady..."

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice to be appreciated for something... I laid there in my bed for a while and we started chatting it up between rooms, finely we stopped and I was drifting off for about 2 minutes at a time and every time I did I made these creepy ass noises that even woke me up. I decided I'd just go ahead and get up and go watch a movie or something, I walked down stairs and found Legends Of The Fall, so I watched it. There was a part of me that really hoped skinny would come down and watch it with me, but she didn't. I have to admit that whole thing outside the bar might have been fake but it make me realize how much I kind of miss all that bullshit...

Morning came and I still hadn't been to "real" sleep, so me and my buddy started a movie marathon and ate the fuck out of some chili, and then I rolled out toward home... Have to admit it was a nice 12 hours.

Paul McCartney

The best kind of weekend is the kind you have in the middle of the week...

So some time back Lee invited me to go with her to see Paul McCartney in concert. To be honest I was as giddy as a big harry school girl ever since she ask me to go, and it got worse at the concert got closer. Tuesday was the night of the concert.

I ended up taking a half day off from work on Tuesday. Went hope though I would clean up a bit, I'm texting my buddy's baby momma asking her what a guy should wear to a Paul McCartney concert. She's a pretty fashionable lady so I took her advise. spent the next couple hours getting my groom on trying to look my best.

I roll down the interstate toward her house, getting my Al Green / Instrumental Wu Tang cover band on. I get to her place and I've got this little present for her wrapped in brown paper with a green bow wrapped around it looking a lot like a pretty Chinese take out box, it contained mustard even though everyone I know said "please don't give her mustard...". I also gave her a six pack of copper ale. I mean for god sake flowers are so over rated, everyone gives flowers but you give a girl a bottle of mustard and that's going to live on forever good or bad she'll never forget. So she opens her little take out box and seems to enjoy the fact that she receives mustard. Then she looks at me and ask "would you like a beer?" I'm thinking "damn did I hear her correctly? Would I like a beer" and I respond with a "yes, I would love a beer." it kind of caught me off guard because I've never had a girl ask me if I wanted to start my night off with a beer. so we had a beer together and roll toward the concert.

We get to the parking garage and it's my job to remember where we parked. I might appear useless at a lot of things but I'm damn good at finding my way back to places intoxicated, I'm also really damn good at splitting up the bill for groceries with my buddies at Wal-mart but that's a whole different story. Lee tells me about this pre-party that's suppose to be happening up the street so we walk to that and it's ending by the time we get there so we hit up a bar, after we hopped some plants to get in. We roll in and and she wants me to recommend her a drink, and I'm sitting there like a damn stooge because I really hadn't even considered drinking at this point even though we were in a bar... So I say "Cape Cod" and she ask me what it is and I tell her it's a vodka cranberry with a touch of lime (nice quick drink highly recommended if you're a fan of any of those products), and I'm thinking for myself a Gin Ricky (Gin, lime juice, and soda water). I order for Lee and myself and the bartender doesn't know what a Gin Ricky is, so I tell him and I forgot to say soda water. so I'm drinking straight Gin with a splash of lime juice, also a great way to get more bang for your buck, I'm drinking basically three shots for six bucks... Well needless to say I was getting simi-hammered simi-fast. We have a couple drinks and roll out heading towards the concert.

We're at the gates showing our tickets to people and we're asking how to get to our seats, and this lady tells us "take the escalator and then take the small escalator and you're there" and we're like "thank you" (said drunkenly) and we start to look around and there are like four different sizes of escalator, and it's like what the hell. But we finely figure out where we're going with no help from this guy. there is a bar fairly close to our seats and we sit down and I get to tell another bartender how to make a Gin Ricky again forgetting the soda water, guzzle that and take a blue moon to our seats. So we're following this lady to show us where our seats are and I'm looking down the steps and they are looking extra steep and I'm feeling extra tipsy thanks to the half bottle of Gin I have consumed, and I'm trying to balance while drinking my beer trying to squeeze between the people standing to let us get to our seats, also I might have spilled a drip or maybe a slosh of beer on this dudes head in front of us, but I kept moving and didn't look back... I was sitting there kind of looking at Lee and I saw how much her eyes lit up and I loved it, I never see anyone excited about anything any more and that was so refreshing to me, I might have been drunk but I can still notice things.

So the concert has already started and we're about five songs in and I just happen to realize that I'm about to piss myself, the Gin and beer has caught up with me, and I try to hold it for a minute because I'm thinking "what kind of piece of shit makes everyone get up five songs into a concert..." Soon I have to get up to avoid being the dick that pissed himself at the Paul McCartney concert. Everyone is giving me a dirty look on the way out, then I have to wait in line for the family bathroom, almost didn't make it... I took for sure what was the longest piss of my life I mean I even had time to think about stuff, then I heard Maybe I'm Amazed start playing and I'm cursing and trying to get my zipper up because I love that song. I run out of the family bathroom and get back to my row and the old lady on the end sees me and she has the dirtiest look on her fact and I just mouth to her "I'll sit in front of you until the song is over..." I really didn't want to be the dick that makes everyone miss the favorite part because I drank too much Gin... so I catch the tail end and then make it back to my seat after the song.

I'm a bond fan as most people know, and I'm jonesing for live and let die (I think I'm the only person who says jonesing on a regular basis...) and when it comes on I'm sure I'm sitting there with a big shitty grin, and once it gets to the fast part all these flames and fireworks start shooting out of the stage and I'm about the stroke out, actually I'm still about the stoke out just thinking about it... and then he sing Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood with a ukulele, not gonna lie, I really wasn't expecting that and nearly stoked out once more, one of my favorite songs hands down. Paul also came out for like 3 encores, which was amazing. He really puts on a great show, if you get the chance go see him.

The concert was over and we're both walking around in a state of euphoria and we see this neat old bus parked on the side of the street and there is this girl handing out papers in front of it and getting all curious and stuff, and I ask the girl if we're around to look on the bus, and she says yes, and without hearing another word I just walk on in, and Lee stands outside and ask her what it's all about. Well I'm taking a little tour of the bus and there is this beardy guy sitting in the back eating something I look at him and say "hey buddy that's a nice looking salad you got there" like a dumb shit, and the guy says "yea it's pretty good, their across the street" then Lee is on the bus and she talks to him for a bit, and come to find out it was a damn cult, Lee keeps talking to the dude and I'm starting to get all bewildered, like the motor is running and the girl standing out front of the bus had just gotten on and I start hearing all these loud banging noises and stuff, and I'm about the flip shit because I think we're getting kidnapped by this weird ass cult that want's me to bake bread for some leader type asshole. Lee keeps chatting it up with the guy and he's way too agreeable doesn't matter what she says he all like "yea that's what we stand for" and he's talking about how non-religious their cult is but on their pamphlets they've got all these scriptures referenced, and then he starts talking about how you can't be connected to one another and become better humans by just going to church one hour a week, and I'm thinking the whole time I spend about 40 hours a week with my coworkers and I hate to see most of those people, and I've got the bearded wonder over here trying to talk me into baking bread to make money for the cult, I'll be damned if I'm going to bake bread so some other ass can make a living, If I'm going to be in the cult I'm for sure going to be leading the son of a bitch... So Lee and the guy stop talking and we're making my way off the bus and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little revealed to be off of that jack wagon. I'm really not sure why I was nervous I guess it was my grandmother coming out in me, she's always force fed me that everyone was out to get me from a young age, but I feel like it was true in this case since it was a cult and all we were talking to it is kind of the business of culting to get new members, and I kind of heard Robert Stack in the back of my mind telling my story on unsolved mysteries which would be even weirder since he's dead and all...

We leave the cult bus Lee takes me to this bar where the whole bar top is a fish aquarium and again I'm cheesing like an eight year old, I had never saw anything like that, and I had no idea there was one that close to me, I figured that was the kind of thing you had to see in Korea or someplace. I have to admit to have gold fish swimming under my drink really appealed to me, we ended up getting a few more drinks and chatting it up for a while. Talking about our dreams and such for our lives and how much I'd rather lead a cult than be in one...

We rolled out after a while and it was my time to shine and find the car, and I really didn't disappoint... So we're heading back toward her place, we get to her exit on the interstate, and she says something that I never would have expected "I have Vodka, and triple sec... we should stop and get mixers" and I'm sitting there thinking did I just here her correctly again??? Not gonna lie it was a pleasant surprise to hear someone talking about mixers rather than bed at like 1:30 in the morning. So we stop at Kroger and hit up the juices, and then it hits me Moscow Mule, but of course a Kroger in a city would never have anything like ginger beer, I mean what the hell was I thinking... so we went with cran-apple instead. We get back to her place and I'm bar tender so I'm mixing up everything she has in to one nice little drink. Then she puts a CD in and I'll be damned if it's not Al Fucking Green, I'm a big Al Green fan for the record, I mean there is a select few human beings who can sing about doing the dirty and Jesus in the same song and he's one of them. I'm sitting there and she's talking about how she would like to dance and like a dumb fuck I'm just like "uh huh" I mean why didn't I dance with the girl??? What the hell was I thinking??? We've been chatting and drinking for a good three hours it's pushing 4:30am by this point and we go to the living room to watch some DVRed Saturday Night Live, and Lee is falling asleep during the commercial breaks so we call it a night or maybe a morning depending on your view of the day.

I lay on her couch in my khakis, button down shirt, and old man socks. I end up having this weird ass dream about someone keeping a website about my shortcomings as a human and it was hosted in Germany which was weird as fuck. I wake up at like 7:30am all weird and depressed felling. and I just kind of lay there for a few hours waiting for Lee to wake up, so about 10:30am or so I hear her rustling around and she gets up and makes us a pot of coffee and we chat it up for a little while, we start talking about traveling and then she says "we should go tour a distillery today", again I'm having a moment of damn did I just hear her correctly, and that was cool as fuck, and we keep talking about travel and such and she tells me she has some pictures from her trips to China, Japan, Cambodia, Korea, and some other places. We start going through her pictures which are very cool, most of the things she had in her picks I've never saw or heard of, like snowing in Japan, I mean I didn't even know they received show, hell they not only receive snow that have an all out snow festival (I'm not sure if was japan but it was one of the Asian countries) as well as an ice bar... I was jonesing on all of her pics. Frankly I think she should be a street photographer, she has a really good eye for the interesting and an inquisitive nature to match which is pretty damn cool if you ask me. She showed me her pics from New York as well, lots of art deco and architecture and I love both, it was what I would have assumed chatting with a national geographic photographer would have been like, and I really enjoyed myself.

We didn't actually make it to the distillery tour, but we spent the rest of the evening sitting around outside talking about stuff and junk and such... Not gonna lie it's a good feeling to have a conversation with someone and not get bored these days. I'm pretty sure I'm jonesing on Lee right now, and that's a really weird thing for me to say... Any way like I said the best weekends are the ones in the middle of the week...